Are FitBits Betchy?

If you have a FitBit, you’re basically in a cult. No, seriously. You’ll find yourself walking to the grocery store in the snow/rain/wind just to get more steps. You’ll convince your lazy ass to get out of bed and walk in circle around your bedroom just to beat you frenemy in your Workweek Hustle challenge. Most importantly, you’ll become the person you hate: the person who #123 tries too hard.

But are FitBits betchy? Let’s discuss.

At first glance, FitBits seem to encourage behavior that is dangerously close to giving a fuck. You’ll find yourself checking your FitBit/iPhone app way too often. You may start running to Starbucks four times a day because you’ve calculated the 500 step journey. Not speaking from personal experience, of course.

And GOD FORBID you don’t hit 10,000 steps. Because then you’ll actually start going out of your way to get steps. And that may even involve helping others. Not betchy.

“Hey, Susan from accounting. Oh, you need this package delivered to the other side of Manhattan during rush hour? Sure, no problem. I’ve been meaning to get outside and walk in this blizzard anyway!”

But FitBit also involves a subtle way to shame your frenemies, which is always fun. FitBit’s daily and weekly challenges give you a virtual community to join forces with your fringe friends across the country while attempting to kick their asses with your step game. And there is nothing, NOTHING, better than beating that skinny betch from your sorority in a dominant fashion. Winning.

Even if you are trying too hard, FitBits will help you get your ass ready for beach season. The newer FitBit models will actually mock you when you are lazy for too long and tell you to get up and walk around. Your app will show you that the amount of calories you’ve burned in a day is approximately the same amount of calories found in half of a Domino’s pizza. Your steps will start haunting your dreams. But it’s all in pursuit of the perfect beach bod.

So, embrace the FitBit. The means may be a little nice girl-y, but the end result is pure betchiness. And you’ll be the best skinniest betch you can be.


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