Tim Cook – the new Steve Jobs – unveiled new information about Apple's Watch Sport (why not iWatch??) and it's the most insane shit ever. There are four versions of the watch depending on how much money you want to make your parents spend on you: $350 and $400 for the plastic versions (see: iPhone 5C), $550 for the stainless steel version (see: iPhone 5S), and $10,000 for the 18-carat gold version (see: Kim Kardashian in 1 month). Sure you can draw on the watch face and make phone calls, but here are the Watch Sport's features designed specifically for betches:
– It tells you how many calories you've burned each day, which is way better than a povo pedometer.
– Sick apps: Uber and messaging of course, but hotels are designing apps that let you unlock room doors with the watch.
– Siri – how else would we know where the nearest Starbucks is?
– Taptic Engine, which is technology that makes the watch vibrate or “tap” whenever you get a notification. This is crucial because now it'll be super easy to fake a notification when you're in a shitty conversation.
– It alerts you to the heartbeats of other Watch Sport users when they're near you. It's kind of like the tech version of syncing your period with your roommates, just make sure you're the alpha and people are syncing to you.
The smartest part about this whole watch thing is that, in order to use it, you have to have an iPhone 5 with the latest iOS software. The Watch Sport is the definition of exclusive technology – kind of like having a Juicy Couture charm bracelet with your besties in 2006. But I'm not fully on board with any new product from Apple until they make the iPhone battery last more than 7 minutes.