Your Biggest Conspiracy Theory About The iPhone Is Totally True

No you aren’t crazy. (And savor that because, let’s be real, we usually are crazy.) Apple is actually slowing down older iPhone’s as their batteries age like a real shady bitch. And the people, like a true democracy, have joined together to sue them because it’s an inalienable right that our phones should never die and take selfies forever. Duh.

Instead of letting us put our Girl Scout technology badges to good use and replace the batteries in these phones, Apple is practically forcing us to get off our asses, go to the mall, and buy entirely new phones. It goes without saying, but iPhones are expensive AF and the whole thing feels like a scam preying on our deep fear of one day being a green text.

Of the eight lawsuits being filed against Apple, one is for $999 billion. If the petty betches who filed that suit win, they are obligated to buy us all new iPhones and kira kira apps. They probs won’t win because Apple is like an unbeatable Goliath but we’re pouring one out for the little David’s out there fighting the good fight. 

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