As you, your mother, your boyfriend who's “studying abroad but totally not cheating on you” (yeah ok lol) and even your dearly departed aunt Mildred know by now, humanoid cotton candy machine Ariana Grande is about two things: Tongue-fucking the ever-loving shit out of some unsuspecting confections, and hating the motherfucking U.S. of A (and the people who live here, which, ok, same (sometimes)).
One of those things got her plastered across the internet, but the other mysteriously coincides with her “withdrawal” from next week's MLB All-Star Game because we can't have no America hatin' when we're tryin ta play BASEBAW! Or, because of “health issues.” You be the judge.
— MLB Communications (@MLB_PR) July 8, 2015
Instead we get fucking Demi Lovato, which, goddamn. I don't care if it's a mob execution, you don't want Demi Lovato to take your place for anything. In a misguided attempt to quash all the hubbub, Ariana sent the following incoherent statement to Buzzfeed News, which I will begrudgingly publish in its entirety here:
I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county*. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of* known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.
The asterisks, it's worth noting, are where Ariana's rep eventually sent in corrections to BuzzFeed which, haha, no way am I fixing those. Anyway, it's the standard “sorry you're offended” apology, or more accurately, “I'm sorry you heard me talk shit while defacing someone else's property in a disgusting way.” Bitch, if you're an advocate for healthy eating, why the fuck are you getting donuts with your friend, and why are you feigning for them so bad that you have to fucking lick them? The apology is actually worse than the original gaffe – you can explain away something like “I hate Americans,” but not when you issue a statement that's essentially an addendum that basically reads “what I meant was, I hate Americans because they're fat fucks.”
As for her “emergency oral surgery,” I don't know what kind of surgery takes so much recovery that you can't sing seven days from now. But more importantly, BITCH IF YOU HAVE TOOTH ISSUES WHY IS YOU LICKING SUGARY DONUT FROSTING? Actually, I do believe that Ariana Grande had to have oral surgery, because I bet this happened to her:
Don't get too mad at Ariana Grande, she's just a robot.