An Open Letter To Siri

Dear Siri,

Okay so it's 2014 and you're a robot in my phone, so it's time for you to get your shit together. 

First of all, when I ask where the nearest Taco Bell is, you should know I'm only asking because I turned off my location services since I already successfully geotagged my instagram for the night and my phone is dying. And once I figure out how to turn my location services back on (after guiding through my apps like Helen Keller because my brightness is turned all the way down), I would appreciate it if you didn't give me the address with such a passive aggressive tone. Like I know I'm gonna regret Taco Bell in the morning but drunchies are my number one priority right now. Maybe instead of using such a tone, please say things like “you know you want Miranda Kerr's abs” or “the 4th of July is next week, you fat bitch.”

Second, why is it that somehow when I want to talk to you, it takes forever to get the button pressed right, but when I'm texting in class of course you come blaring through with “sorry I didn't get that.” Like k thanks a lot.

Or when I ask you how to lose ten pounds by Friday and you pull up a blog of fat people talking on Yahoo answers about the lemon and cayenne pepper cleanse I have two problems. One: you admitted you think I'm fat so thanks and two: you were created by Steve Jobs I know you can do better than Yahoo answers. Please.

When I ask you “where did I park my car?” and you say “I have found 15 parking lots, 7 are fairly close to you” like no shit Siri I'm in a parking lot right now but what fucking floor was I on.

Or when I ask you where I can get some weed and you say “I don't know what that means” like please Siri. You have all of google at your disposal, don't censor yourself.

And sometimes you act like my mom and it's fucking annoying. Like when I'm in the bathroom at the club and I say Siri I drank too much and you respond with “I hope you don't drive anywhere” like obviously I'm ubering home I'm not a peasant but like get me water or something. And the next morning when I say I need a hangover cure and you just say “I'm sorry” like okay that's rude and so unhelpful.

You've been there for me a lot Siri but there are some things we just need to straighten out. The main one being the tone you talk to me in and second being pulling up generic web searches. Like I can google because I'm not mentally inept, but I asked you instead so please give me a concise answer. You try to be a passive aggressive betch all entitled cause you know more than me but at the end of the day you were made to be our on call slave so like bow down. Please drop the rude tone and sass cause we basically invented that and give me what I asked for.


An actual human person


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