An Impractical Gift Guide For The People Who Have Everything

Somehow Christmas music is already playing on the radio, so I guess it’s time to start buying gifts. I’ve had since last Christmas to think about what to buy people, but it’s still not enough time—especially for the people who aren’t easily satisfied with a Glossier Balm Dot Com Trio or an Aquis Rapid Dry Hair Wrap. 

This is the quintessential gift guide for those people in your life. I promise you they won’t own any of this. No one has this sh*t. From an intravenous drip for plants to a Juliette Lewis mousepad, you won’t find these things on the Goop Gift Guide. 

For the… 

New Parent: Wearable Mop for a Baby

Did you know being a parent is hard? Let’s make the newborn do something while they’re doing nothing. My favorite thing about this item is that it comes in a range of sizes. Even if your baby is already 18-24 months, they can wear one of these. No need to encourage the baby to walk when crawling makes the floors cleaner. Takes the pressure off the parents and the baby. 

Horticulturist: Life Support Plant Drop

Bubblegum Stuff Plant Life Support Drip, Automatic Watering System for House Plants

This is really a gift to yourself because you no longer have to kill their plants while they’re out of town. Is this you? “Why are the leaves brown? It’s either too much water or too little water. Could it be not enough light? Well, no, because this is where they left the plant. They wouldn’t have left it in this corner if it’s not supposed to be in this corner. I don’t really get thirsty until the evening. Maybe I’m watering at the wrong time of day?” If any of that sounds like your own internal dialogue, it’s time to get your friend a more dependable way to keep their plants happy and healthy. 

Celiac: Bread Plush Pillow

For those that have a real allergy to gluten and miss bread. This is not a gift for those who have given up gluten for non-medical reasons. People who have been able to give up gluten for non-medical reasons don’t really love bread, and they really never did. 

WFHomer: Juliette Lewis Mousepad

This is for the friend who learned they never even had to be in an office in the first place.  No more stinky leftovers being microwaved or coworkers knowing each other’s bathroom schedule—this friend of yours is set. All that’s missing is a Juliette Lewis mousepad to go with their three monitors and ergonomic chair. “It’s a good quality item.” (A quote from Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation, a film in which Juliette Lewis shines.)

Dog Parent: Urine Detector Light

Dog Urine Light Detector

When someone leaves their dog home alone, they don’t know what’s gone down while they’ve been away. Finally, a gadget to ruin their ignorance. An anonymous Amazon customer wrote, “try not to burn your house down when you see how much your pet has actually peed on your carpet…I suggest you have a few shots of whiskey so you don’t care as much about how much urine is in your carpet!”

AirPods Lover: Cordless Jump Rope

Cordless Jump Rope with Counter,LVYOUIF Ropeless Jump Rope

So, you’re telling me that while we don’t need a cord for headphones we also don’t need a rope for jump? These are the AirPods of exercise equipment. Your loved one will never trip on that silly rope again. Tangle-free living, baby! 

Overachiever: Umbrella Hat

Man in white puffy coat and white Umbrella hat

For that very busy person who doesn’t even have time to hold an umbrella, get them this. It goes well with AirPods and the Cordless Jump Rope. They can be listening to music and jumping rope while it is pouring down rain. That’s a W. 

Traveler Who is Anti-Vaxx: Sky Mall Bigfoot 

Yeti Statue

Remember the catalog Sky Mall? Me too. Well, your friend who refuses to get vaccinated might not be able to travel in the future, so why not get them one of the most memorable gifts from Sky Mall? Every time they look out their window, they can be reminded of the friendly skies they once frequented. 

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Images: Studio Firma /; Amazon (7); Target

Macey Isaacs
Macey Isaacs
Macey is a comedian and screenwriter living in Los Angeles. She co-hosts the podcast Invade the Decade. Her writing partner, Jenny Leiferman, has a Postmates Unlimited account, so when they’re writing together it feels like Macey has one too. Instagram & Twitter: @maceyisaacs