American Girl Adds Its First Ever American (Fuck)Boy & Here's How He Fits Into Our Ranking

American Girl has finally gotten its first ever American Boy! Apparently men are also involved in American history. Weird.

The doll’s name is Logan Everett and he’s a drummer who rocks a flannel, graphic tee, sneakers, and an expression that says “I will tell you over dinner that your major sounds ‘incredibly interesting’ and then ghost you after we have sex.” As we pointed out in The Sup, Logan appears to be representing 2017 Fuckboy culture, and probably comes with a bottle of Axe body spray and a phone that’s halfway done texting “U UP?”

Logan American Girl Doll

Haven’t seen Logan’s bedroom set yet but I’d bet my life it includes a mattress on the floor, that Pink Floyd poster of butts, and a crusty old bong. Not sure if they have AG dolls that can talk yet, but if so, then get ready to press Logan’s stomach and listen to him tell you all about his band!

Logan also comes with a girl friend (as in girl-who-is-a-friend) named Tenney (wtf?) who you know is just there to intimidate you and the other dolls. Logan will insist that he and Tenney are not dating and that she’s only texting him to talk about their “music” but as soon as you go snooping you know you’re gonna find Tenney’s holiday ensemble under the trash pile in Logan’s room (Logan’s room comes with a trash pile btw).

So you’re probably all wondering at this point where Logan fits in our Ranking Of American Girl Dolls By Betchiness. After conducting a brief investigation into Logan’s look, personal life, accessories, and demeanor, I have decided to rank Logan 6th. He is not nearly as betchy as Kirsten (#5), who comes with her own elaborate braid crown and a hat made of candles, but is significantly betchier than Molly, who we have already established is a narc.

Molly McIntire

And before you ask, Tenney is a side chick and for that reason has not earned the right to be ranked. Come correct next time, Tenney, and we’ll see. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.