The Oscars this year started off pretty vanilla, but the bat shit twist at the end made sitting through a Godfather-movie-length show worth it. It was like the end of Bring it On when the Clovers beat the Toros and Kirsten Dunst was like oh yeah, we did steal your shit forever so you probably deserve to win. Like, the Toros were good, but the Clovers were better.
Since procrastinating is just one of a betch’s favorite past times, you probably haven’t seen all of the Oscar-winning movies yet this year. That’s okay, because we’re going to summarize them so you can still talk about them with your co-workers and not feel left out.
We’re only covering movies that actually won awards, because losers just aren’t our type. Also we’re leaving out shorts and best costume and makeup because Suicide Squad won best makeup and we just can’t. Deal with it.
Won: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor
This movie was Boyhood but better. Chiron is a kid with daddy issues who ends up becoming friends with an older drug dealer in town that acts as his father figure. His mom is a crack addict, like in that song by City High we used to grind to at sixth grade dances. It’s a pretty shitty situation that Chiron is in, because of the crack head mom and absent father, but he’s resilient AF and it’s honestly inspiring. Chiron is gay but is living in a conservative and predominantly black community where coming out would be met with hostility, much like Zac Efron wanting to do the musical while also starring on the basketball team. In the end, Chiron ends up finding his childhood love and flaunts his revenge bod in front of him to show him what he missed. Turns out they still have feelings for each other and they end up together. This movie is honestly a triumph for many reasons, but in betchy terms, it’s about winning after getting rejected, not letting haters bring you down, and working through daddy issues.
La La Land
Won: Best Actress, Best Director, Best Song, Best Score, Best Cinematography, Best Production Design
This movie is about how you should always follow your dream even if you sometimes get embarrassed. It’s kind of annoying that both of the lead characters are both poor and artists and in love—it’s like, all the things we hate the most. But Ryan Gosling is undeniably hot and Emma Stone won an Oscar with her ex in the audience (who didn’t win for his noms), so that’s kind of betchy. The whole movie is just set in LA and the characters basically sing karaoke and dance around a bunch, it’s literally like karaoke because none of them are great singers except for John Legend. Emma Stone’s character is a needy gf and hates it when Ryan Gosling starts becoming successful and can’t spend as much time with her, which isn’t very chill. But in the end they both end up successful, and there’s a dope dance number in it that’s kind of like drugs.
Manchester By The Sea
Won: Best Actor, Best Original Screenplay
This movie is like a much more serious version of Young Adult but with a bro instead of Charlize Theron for a protagonist. And instead of finding out her high school sweetheart is getting married, his brother dies and he has to break the news to his brother’s son, aka his nephew. Basically Casey Affleck’s character, Lee, is a huge fuck up and has to say sorry by repairing his relationship with his nephew and his ex-wife. Sometimes you fuck up so much it takes more than an apology text and brunch to make things okay. But by the end of the film, he patches things up and they chill on a motherfucking boat, which is pretty betchy.
Won: Best Film Editing, Best Sound Mixing
This movie is based on a true story about Desmond Doss, a soldier who won the Medal of Honor without killing anybody in combat. Basically Andrew Garfield plays Doss, and he’s a pacifist that doesn’t believe in killing anybody. Except much like going to an open bar and promising not to drink, he gets drafted into the war and his anti-killing belief becomes a problem. Everyone thinks he’s a coward until he saves their asses and they realize he’s actually chill. Like you might hesitate getting blackout around a sober person who might judge you, but when she’s driving you home and keeping creeps away, you’re down with her presence.
The Jungle Book
Won: Best Visual Effects
I mean, if you don’t know this one we’re not sure we can help you. He’s a boy who was raised by animals, aka every graphic designer in Brooklyn we’ve ever met. Like you can’t blame them for being immature because they are legit children who don’t understand real world responsibilities.
Won: Best Animated Feature
This is a movie about how everybody judges TF out of everybody else. The allegory to race is flawed obviously, because it uses animal’s biological differences to compare itself to race, which is like, awkward. But maybe it’s more like the Greek house ranking system. Like, there are some houses that the fat girls always go to, and it’s like, maybe they aren’t really harming the top houses so why do we hate them so much? Anyways, like we said, the Zootopia allegory is really flawed. But as a story it’s pretty adorable, and in the end you realize you really should never trust anyone, because literally liars exist everywhere. Especially if someone is trying to get you to hate on a certain person (or group of people), it usually means that person is the problem and not the other person. Aka when your boyfriend tells you all his exes are crazy, he’s probably the common denominator.
Won: Best Foreign Film
Go google it, we have no idea.
Won: Best Actress In A Supporting Role
Another movie about a teenage boy with daddy issues. We’re starting to see a pattern here. In this movie, Denzel Washington is Troy, a dad that is way too proud of himself and doesn’t know how to truly connect with his family. In typical straight male way, he fucks shit up by cheating on his wife, trying to control his son, and feeling sorry for himself, and we’re still supposed to feel bad for him because he’s a tragic hero. But like, we get it, life is hard and sometimes you make mistakes. That’s what we tell ourselves when we miss our alarm because we went out the night before a test.
Won: Best Sound Editing
This movie is about a literal alien invasion, which is how we feel when a new hot girl transfers into the school and threatens to disrupt the social order. At first Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner have to work together to try and communicate with the aliens, to see if they’re hostile or if they mean well. So basically it’s like inviting the new girl to a party as a way to see if she can hang and speak the language. Eventually though, another country deems the aliens to be dangerous and they try shooting at it. Like sooner or later, the new girl is going to hook up with someone they’re not supposed to and piss off someone, which will cause a domino effect until the order can be restored again. At the end of Arrival, Amy Adams saves the day, literally, and we think that’s pretty betchy. She also gets Jeremy Renner to fall in love with her while she’s doing her job, which is kind of badass.
OJ Made in America
Won: Best Documentary
I mean, it’s about OJ. What more do you want from us? If documentaries aren’t your thing, go watch the American Crime Story version on Netflix.