Ah, Ha, Ha, Ha Stayin' Inside: Weekend Horoscopes March 27-29

Welcome to the Thunderdome quarantine, week two, where the rules are made up and nothing matters. If nothing else, this social isolation is really making me question the amount of loungewear I own. I always thought it was too much, but who’s laughing now? I came prepared for this sh*t.

Speaking of prepared, it’s time to check your weekend horoscope, so you can find out what kind of fun adventures the planets have in store for us this week. Will quarantine be extended into June? Will you find your soulmate from the safety of your couch? Will Mark ever come out and say that Jessica was pretending to love him the whole time? Here we go.


Time to get some sh*t in order, Aries. Friday is a great time to wake up before noon and examine how much you spent “supporting” local restaurants with takeout this week. I see your flex, and it’s fine, but you also shouldn’t eat into your savings (or that third pizza of the week) in the name of saving the hospitality industry. Now is the perfect time to make a budget and stick to it, no matter how much cooking for yourself sucks. Saturday and Sunday are also prime opportunities to make a pros and cons list regarding your professional career and examine whether you’re really happy or just checking boxes.


Get ready for the waterworks, Taurus, because this weekend is about to get f*cking emotional. If you weren’t already feeling anxious thanks to the global pandemic, on Saturday the moon is going to have you feeling extra empathetic, so you’re more likely to break down after hearing about the sad state of affairs in the world right now. Bummer, bro.


Get ready for some weird dreams this weekend, Gemini, which should help pass the time while you aren’t staring out a window, drinking, or binge-watching Netflix. We recommend a lot of napping on Saturday and then writing in your dream journal after chugging your quarantini. These are the end times, lol.


The moon wants you to socialize with friends this weekend, Cancer. Since the government had to put a stop to all that gallivanting around, we recommend a group FaceTime on Friday where you all see how many episodes of Tiger King you can watch together before someone blacks out. Saturday is for cleaning your apartment, which is super necessary now that you’re there all the f*cking time. Take it easy on Sunday by sleeping late, making yourself a huge pancake breakfast, then taking another nap.


The moon in Taurus wants you to take care of some outstanding tasks, Leo. Go ahead and clean out that junk drawer, finish painting that wall, or finally write those thank-you notes. Saturday presents a chance for a domestic blowup between you and your SO (probably over the fact that he’s worn the same sweatpants for six days straight and they smell awful), but try to keep a cool head and approach the confrontation with logic. Sunday you’ll crave some friendship time, so steal your boyfriend’s XBox and make all your friends play Call of Duty with you.


The planets want you to experience adventure this weekend, Virgo, so I guess it’s time to try a new walking route with your dog in the company of absolutely zero additional people. Social distancing for the win, amirite? You’re going to feel extra creative, too, so it’s actually a great time to paint, draw, or write a sad poem about the #Quarantimes on Instagram. Sunday is for feeling anxious, but push that sh*t off by rewatching Spongebob on Amazon Prime… or whatever helps you cope.


Time to get sexy and weird, Libra. Honestly, if you’re experiencing quarantine with your SO, this weekend is a great opportunity to stay in bed and try all the weird sh*t you’ve always been to nervous to do. Anal? Handcuffs? Toys you can’t pronounce the name of? All that and more should be on your to-do list. Sunday you need to order some takeout and have some fun, so we recommend a game of hide-and-seek with your cat.


Feel the love this weekend, Scorpio. If you’re in a committed relationship, Friday is a great chance to wine and dine (at home) with your SO while wearing loungewear and talking about some deep sh*t. Take things a step further on Saturday and play naked Twister, or just try to get through a Netflix marathon without arguing. Sunday is for snuggles, per usual. If you’re single and none of this applies, pour yourself another glass of wine and get matching.


Take care of YOU this weekend, Sagittarius. Honestly, we’re all a little freaked out and anxious, so if you find yourself needing some extra space and time this weekend, it’s fine. Take a long bath. Cook or bake something complicated to take your mind off everything bad that’s going on, or just completely unplug and stop watching the news. On Sunday you can rejoin the world, spend some (Face)time with your loved ones, and try to get yourself in a more positive headspace.


The moon wants you to broaden your horizons, Capricorn, so it’s a stellar time to take an online class. Whether you decide to pay top dollar for Master Class or just sit in on your little cousin’s fourth grade algebra, the time is now (and this weekend) to learn some skills. Sunday is all about self-care, so tell yourself that yes, it is okay to eat a sleeve of Oreos if it’ll help you cope.


You know what would be totally fun for you this weekend, Aquarius? A dinner party! Too bad COVID-19 has ruined literally everything. You can try to get around it on Friday night by hosting a virtual potluck with your friends via FaceTime and forcing everyone to eat their takeout on camera. After that embarrassment, use Saturday to vacuum, clean baseboards, and try to distract yourself from the current state of, well, everything.


The universe says it’s a great time to go on a trip out of town, but we say absolutely not. Maybe plan a wine tour around your house/apartment, or explore the new environment of your yard. Sorry, but we all have to do our part to flatten the curve. Sunday will be all about focusing on home and family, so call your mom, make sure she isn’t leaving the house, then dust everything in your room in her honor.

Images: bruce mars / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson