The Best After The Final Rose Recap You’ll Ever Read

Chris Harrison gave us the opening we needed to actually tune into the third hour of the most boring season ever aired. “Nick’s desperation after Andi dumped him was unlike the likes of anything we had seen on this show. He was totally heartbroken. He was REALLY looking forward to cutting her up and putting her beneath his floorboards.”

I can't believe Nick agreed to let them film his post-Bachelorette depression…and I can't believe his mom agreed to this too. Nick deserves answers!

I never noticed Nick’s mom’s nose ring before, it's kind of weird. 

I’m glad Nick could find time to pose near Wisconsin river banks amid his heartache.

“I miss the way she makes me feel. Like Dexter right before a kill.”

Nick to Chris Harrison: You don’t just stop loving someone just because they dump you on national television and are engaged to someone else.

After his sad attempt to give her Andi a note during the Men Tell All: “Things could change after today.” Delusional.

For a spontaneous visit to the Men Tell All, Nick has a very nice car pick up arranged for him.

It would be funny if that envelope he gave to Andi was filled with cash “ANDI, ARE U REALLY SURE!?! 😉 “

Here is what America speculates was in the sad, handwritten note that Nick gave Chris to give to Andi:

Chris Harrison: That was actually Nick's second attempt to see Andi, his first included breaking into her house and stealing her dirty underwear.

Chris Harrison: What did you want from Andi when you visited her in Mexico?
Nick: I wanted to sell her as a slave Mexican drug lords in return for hurting me.

Wow the top Bachelorette Bleachable Moment presented by Clorox bleach. Could this show BE any more of a commercial sell-out?

Is it sponsored by Clorox because Nick’s going to use that to dispose of the evidence after hiding Andi’s body? BUT WAIT THAT CLIP WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS BASICALLY 90 SECONDS OF AWKWARD SILENT AIRTIME IN EXCHANGE FOR $ FROM CLOROX BLEACH. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, ABC.

Andi finally comes out so Nick can confront her and yet it takes him three years to get out any sentence.

Seriously, three attempted stalking sessions and that’s all you have to say, Nick? T-t-t-t-today junior.

OMG I cannot believe he just said that she had sex with him on national television. “That was like fiancé type of stuff. You did the anal!

I thought Andi handled that really well. Nick, on the other hand mildly resembled a dog about to be put down.

Yeah Josh was prob just like way better in bed and just not so intense all the time. I bet 20 bucks that Andi awoke after fantasy suite night to Nick watching and petting her.

Josh WOOs when he comes out to the hot seat like he just came on a baseball field.

The dog has been waiting four months for Andi and Josh to become public so he could be let out. 

Chris Harrison to Andi: I love you so much. – I have a feeling that wasn’t just an awkward slip on Chris’ part.

They couldn’t get Sean Lowe and Catherine to fuck on stage for ratings so they had to settle for grumpy cat.

Andi and Josh seem really happy together, evidenced by the fact that he loves grabbing her shoulders.

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