If betches know one thing, its that bros often need a lot of help figuring out wtf is going on, especially after a breakup. This is because while your girlfriend was spending her days frantically texting her besties every single thing that you were doing wrong, you were probably sitting on the couch drinking beers and not even noticing that she texted “k.” instead of “k!” which should have been an obvious signal that she was pissed. But however oblivious bros are, betches do love them (unless you're a lesbian betch in which case you get to also date betches, and we are super jeal), so here is a handy guide for bros so that they can stop driving us and our besties fucking nuts.
#1 You're Shady AF
3am phone calls, randomly disappearing (and then reappearing with molly), and a mysterious locked album in your camera roll may have all been apart of why betches were attracted to you in the first place, but once you decide to make your shit official that shady behavior goes from sexy to fucking gross really quickly. And I get it, maybe you built your whole reputation on shamelessly flirting with every single girl in your friend circle, but once you decide to lock a betch down and make her your gf, it's time to get a tight grip on your dick (something that I'm pretty sure most bros know how to do).
And look, of course the betch that dated you had a hand in creating this monster. She answered you when you texted “U up?” at 4am. She replied to your snaps of your abs with snaps of her thigh gap. She even went home with you that one time after watching you hit on literally every moving thing in the bar. But that was during the hookup phase. Now you're in the dating phase and any girl who has earned the title of “Betch” is not going to stand for that shit any longer.
#2 You're Boring AF
Bros, I have one question for you. How many times in the last week did you play video games in front of your girlfriend? Now, I'm not talking Mario Kart or some other game that she might understand or be able to participate in, I'm talking one person shooters, 2K, Madden, gamer type shit that she has no fucking interest in at all. If the answer to that question is over one, then I rest my case.
You are fucking boring.
That's not to say that video games are boring. From what most bros tell me, they're pretty fun. But watching a dude play video games is, without a doubt, scientifically proven to be the most boring shit on the face of the planet.
Now let me ask you this, how many times have you taken your girlfriend out to do some shit that she would like to do? Oh, none? Oh, you literally don't even know what something your girlfriend would “like to do” is? Well, there we go.
#3 You're Dumb AF
Oh the stupid hot bro, how betches love/hate you! So first of all, congratulations on your incredible hotness. You were literally so hot that a betch overlooked your complete lack of anything to say and decided to link her name to yours for the forseeable future. This must mean that you are extremely hot. Congrats.
Unfortunately, your hotness could only take you so far and after having to explain “Inception” one too many times, the betch you're dating has had enough. Now, you have two options here. Option 1 is that you can buy some books, go to class, and try to make yourself smarter. You don't have to be a genius, but maybe you could at least get yourself to a place where you know roughly when the next presidential election is going to happen (2016—and no Obama isn't running). Option 2 is that you find a betch who is equally as dumb as you and the two of you spend the rest of your lives together drooling and fucking into eternity.
I don't really care which you do, just please keep dating and spreading those beautiful, beautiful genes.
#4 Your Friends Are Annoying AF
It is one thing to have a douchey bro boyfriend who makes stupid comments but is ultimately sweet and goes down on you when you ask him to. It is entirely another to have a douchey bro boyfriend with douchey bro friends who make stupid comments all the time and aren't even earning that right. For a long time, movies and shows and shit made it seem like a bro's girlfriend and a bro's friends had to hate each other but guess what: the nineties are over now and that shit thankfully died with snap bracelets.
If you like and respect a betch enough to make her your one and only, then you'd better make sure that your friends are going to like and respect her too. Actually—no—they don't even have to like her. They just can't treat her like shit whenever she comes over or make her feel stupid whenever she's around you guys. No betch is going to stand for that and, hey, just a word to the wise, if you have a friend who is giving your girl a really hard time, he probably wants to fuck her. Like, really, really wants to fuck her.
Also, watching a man let his friends knock his girl around is extremely unattractive, so if you're doing that, guess what: you're unattractive and you're gonna get dumped for it.
#5 You're Bad at Sex
If you've read all of the above reasons and thought, “No way! I'm a faithful, interesting, smart guy with respectful friends!” then I hate to break it to ya bro, but your problem is chemical. As in there is no chemistry. As in—you're bad at sex.
Now look, it's not entirely your fault that you went this whole time thinking you were her personal Ryan Gosling wet dream when you were really just Nemo tryna get home. Betches are notorious for making stuff up, and sometimes that stuff they make up is their orgasms.
My advice to you would be to find a nice girl and take her to bed. Explore sex with her until you feel like you got it and then if the two of you break up, try dating a real life Betch again. You've gotta walk before you can run, you know?