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A Thirsty Guide To The Jeremys, The New Hollywood “Chris”

For years, the American public has fiercely debated one topic in endless circles: Which Chris is best? 

There’s Chris Evans, the Boston hottie who will protect you from rogue pigeons on your morning Dunkin’ run. There’s Chris Hemsworth, oft wielding his big, enchanted hammer. Chris Pine, whose sultry eyes will transport you to another galaxy. And of course, Chris Pratt, who dumped America’s sweetheart Anna Faris and famously made a speech about how to take a shit at parties during the MTV Movie Awards. 

Now, there’s a new band of same-namers in town: The Jeremys. Strong, Renner, Allen White, Irons. 

To make sense of this emerging tinseltown clan in the only way we know how, we’ve put together a thirsty guide to help you assess which Jeremy could be your everlasting twin flame, or, at the very least, a reliable sneaky link. 

Jeremy Allen White 

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Best known for his breakout role on the grungy dramedy The Bear, Jeremy Allen White became an overnight sex symbol for all the former restaurant hostesses who dated line cooks in their early twenties. 

Pros: 

  • Arms bulge out his perfectly fitted white t-shirt 
  • Might call you “chef” in bed
  • Could recklessly tattoo your initials on his chest 

Cons: 

  • Has his fingers in multiple pies 
  • Too focused on his perfect French omelet to watch Love Island with you 
  • Probably doesn’t have boundaries with his overbearing “ma” 

Love Language: Acts of service. He’ll take your Honda Civic to the shop to check your oil without you having to ask. But, on the other hand, he might expect you to help him spackle his entire apartment before he moves in with you so he doesn’t lose his security deposit. 

Attachment Style: Avoidant. He’s afraid to love! But you’ll fix him. 

Jeremy Renner 

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He may not be the first famous Jeremy that comes to mind, but he still packs a punch. 

Pros: 

  • Could save you in a snowmobile accident 
  • Not a bad choice if you need help robbing a bank 
  • Has an army of Rennerheads who will protect you at all costs 

Cons: 

  • Inferiority complex 
  • Might serenade you 
  • Calls Wednesday “Rennsday” 

Love Language: Words of affirmation. The guy had a whole app developed devoted to giving his fans daily Jeremy Renner updates and holding contests to determine the biggest Rennerhead. Clearly, he needs constant validation, and will not be satisfied with a simple “you look nice” when he comes downstairs wearing his new Armani peacoat. 

Attachment Style: Disorganized. This man thought he was going to take over both the Mission Impossible AND The Bourne Identity franchises and both were ripped away from him, so his fear of rejection and abandonment runs deep.  

Jeremy Strong 

jeremy strong
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Could Jeremy Strong be the number one boy of your heart? 

Pros: 

  • Well-read 
  • Down to coordinate cool outfits with you 
  • Active listener 

Cons: 

  • Always goes for the 10-dollar word 
  • Probably makes too much eye contact 
  • What if he gets cast as a serial killer and has to go method?

Love Language: Quality time. He wants to take you on a leisurely stroll through the Williamsburg farmers’ market and then make a humble homemade dinner with the all fresh produce while you engage in a wide-ranging conversation about Kant and Voltaire. 

Attachment Style: Anxious. He might have a calm demeanor, but I just know on the inside he’s a walking Valium ad. He doesn’t know how to take things slow, and will ask you to “go steady” after two dates. 

Jeremy Irons  

jeremy iron
Image Credit: Getty Images

If zaddies are more your speed, Jeremy Irons could fit the bill. 

Pros: 

  • Rolls his own cigarettes 
  • Has a fancy accent 
  • Owns a castle 

Cons: 

  • Not an adventurous eater 
  • Needs constant help pairing his AirPods 
  • Will make you watch the Zack Snyder cut 

Love Language: Receiving gifts. But don’t waste your breath writing a Hallmark card — he’s only interested in Academy Awards. 

Attachment Style: Secure. He’s 74; he’s been around the block. He doesn’t really care if you stay or go, so long as you don’t trample his petunias on your way out.

Emma Sharpe
Emma Sharpe
Emma Sharpe is a New York based writer and marketer. She's a Kardashian apologist and finds a Survivor metaphor for every life situation. You can find more of her pop culture ramblings at unculturednews.substack.com.