A Strongly Worded Letter to Autocorrect

Dear Autocorrect,

Just the other day I was telling a friend about something I saw on Twitter, but just as I pressed Send, your annoying function made me say, “omg did you see what Lauren was ranting about on tweety tree.” Then I had to expend extra thumb energy to explain that I have no fucking clue why my phone assumed I meant to say something I've never typed out in my life and makes little to no sense. Or what about when I type 'So' and 'Ao' comes out…. because Ao is like the most commonly used word in the dictionary. If you were a last name, Autocorrect, your first would be “fucking.”

But I digress. Thanks to you, To is now an acceptable way of saying hello to friends and because of you, people all over the world are constantly telling their bosses they'll be there in a sex.

Sure I can turn you off, but then how will people know that I am an intelligent and sophisticated member of society if I do not capitalize my I's and spell out my you's? if i turn u off i wud no longer be able to type asf ast as i spaek and thats just unfortnate for every1 of my 500 contacts. 

They will also have no clue what the fuck I am ever saying. 

It's really a love/hate, my thumbs love you but my awkward platonic-quickly-turned-sexual conversations with my parents hate you. In the land of autocorrect honey translates to horny, fajitas into vagina, and punny into pussy…. all of which are words I've tried to use in conversations with my Dad but were replaced with words I never want to use with my dad.

So Autocorrect, do us a favor and autocorrect yourself. But if you don't, then please iPhone 5, can you please make it easier for me to get to the asterisks button because if I had a nickel for the number of times I've clicked the globe button instead of the 123 button I could've paid my way through computer engineering school and fixed it my fucking self.


The people who may or may not be responsible for the mass exodus from Blackberries: #68 iPhone Switch.


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