A Strongly Worded Letter To Almost Boyfriends (And Those Who Accept Them)

We heard that there’s this new thing called “almost” boyfriends. Betches don’t let anyone treat us “halfway” so it needs to stop.  Bros need to start learning that if you are clear with us and tell us what you want from the beginning things will be ten times easier in the long run.

These SABs are the ultimate mind fucks betches have to deal with. They are not just booty calls because they say nice shit to you and treat you like a girlfriend, but will maintain a level of shadiness that keeps you wondering who they're texting when you're not around. Well listen up bros – enough of this shit. Betches love mind games, but there is definitely a line that you are crossing with this kind of asshole act. Have some balls and say what you want. No one likes a coward.

If you try to tell me shit like “I just want to do me for now” then you can count on being written off completely because you weren’t honest with me from the beginning. We get it. People’s feelings change sometimes, but don't act like my boyfriend for a month and then ghost me.

All the fugly people of today’s generation complain about how our dating culture is on the verge of extinction because of how many weird “in-between” labels have developed. There’s talking, there’s together, there’s exclusive, there’s dating. Seriously it needs to stop and people need to have some balls to be able to speak up for what they want. Maintaining an air of mystery and not giving a shit are musts, but when it comes to acting like “almost” boyfriends are okay and acceptable then you need to participate in a new kind of Ice Bucket Challenge. The cause is called WAKE THE FUCK UP. Dump some ice-cold water on your head and stop being dumb.

Betches shouldn’t be tolerating this kind of behavior. It’s totally okay to have a bro you hook up with when you’re bored and no one else is around – that’s what we call a backburner bro. But it’s not betchy to lie to yourself and say you’re completely fine with being just friends with benefits with this douche when you want more. Own your feelings. It’s lame and unconfident to lie to all your friends and yourself.

So to the bros who think they can get away this kind of “almost” boyfriend BS, it ends now. You’re not TFM or whatever ridiculous catchphrase you use to rationalize your dumb AF behavior. You’re just a coward who doesn’t know what he wants and that’s probably the least sexy thing I have ever seen a bro do. To the betches who put up with it, sorry, but you’re not a betch. Being confident and getting what you want is betchy and by acting like a doormat around this bro who probably isn’t even that hot compared to your toned ass, you are fugly and lame.

Turn off the Taylor Swift and ignore his Snapchat. You’re too hot to be anyone’s “almost.”

– XOXO the Betches


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