A Strongly Worded Letter of Terms and Conditions

Dear Terms and Conditions,

Why are you everywhere? Like is it necessary to make me feel like I need legal counsel every time I update Microsoft Office? I've agreed to so many Apple versions of you that I'm positive a quarter of my soul is buried with Steve Job's body, and not in between the pretty parts. I can barely decide which resistance to set my elliptical let alone make the non casual commitment like agreeing to the changes Google has made in you on a daily basis. Speaking of Google, that fucker owns another quarter of my soul, and I'm just supposed to leisurely read your changes and get on with my day!? NO ONE HAS THAT MUCH TIME. So thats right, I'm not even going to open you let alone fake-skim your stupid clauses. There's only one clause I'll pay attention to and that's the fat ass dressed in red who gives me vacation days.

To be honest, T & C, I don't even know what you mean nor do I even want to pretend to find out. My legal capacity starts and stops with that one Justice and Supreme Court elective I took in 8th grade and of course rewatching Legally Blonde every 7 months. You're so long and verbose I think it's time to get your shit together. Like how is possible that there's a Sparknotes for the bible and not you. You're like the #53 shady asshole bro, for the life of me I cannot read you. And just like the SAB, I know in the end you're going to fuck me.

Everyone hated you when Instagram changed you (and reverted to the original..probably because they were too lazy to read you) and everyone still hates you now. Go back to the law offices of Douchebag & Douchebag where you came from and never return. Do you agree with these terms and conditions?

The Betches

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This post does not create an attorney-client relationship. Probably. If it does, it will have said it does. Though it could have created an attorney-client relationship without explicitly saying so, because the law is fucking tricky like that.


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