Are you tired of being alone during the holidays? Do you wish your life was like a made-for-TV movie? Full of love, laughter, and Christmas magic? Well, you’re in luck! Follow these foolproof options to live your life like a rom-com and you’ll be Decking the Hallmark as the klutzy main character in no time!
“Christmas Inn Love”
Step 1: Inherit an old inn from a long-lost relative and move to a small town with big Christmas traditions.
Step 2: Butt heads with a rugged, flannel-wearing stranger at the local diner.
Step 3: Begrudgingly accept help from said rugged stranger after learning that he is the only handyman in town. As the two of you work to restore your inn together, he’ll also “restore your heart.”
Step 1: Buy a small bakery in an ambiguous urban city.
Step 2: Have your sassy best friend/business partner enter you both into a local baking competition.
Step 3: Get off on the wrong foot with a fellow sexy and single baker in the competition. Reluctantly team up with the aforementioned sexy baker after each of your respective sassy best friends get food poisoning right before the semifinals.
Step 4: You’ll be “baking love” before your cake has a chance to cool!
“Return to Santa”
Step 1: Be a high-powered businesswoman who cares more about her career than Christmas. Your holiday tradition should include eating Chinese takeout while you work late at the office, crunching numbers, and avoiding phone calls from your sister who wants you to spend the holiday at home with her kids.
Step 2: Go into work on Thanksgiving Day even though your office is closed.
Step 3: Realize that the files you need are in the back filing room on the very top shelf. Discover that the step ladder is broken and make the terrible decision to climb the metal filing cabinet by pulling out drawers strategically and scaling the wall. When you reach the top shelf and find the file you need, lose your balance and fall 10 feet into the arms of the building’s sexy mail guy who happened to also come in on his day off and heard the commotion.
Step 4: Shaken up, you let the gallant mailman make you a cup of hot cocoa. You find out his name is Nick and you’re instantly attracted to him. As you sip on your perfectly made beverage, the two of you work together and clean up the messy filing room, laughing all the way.
Step 5: He invites you to get out of there and have a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner with him. Uncharacteristically, you agree. There’s something about his twinkling eyes and button nose that you just can’t resist.
Step 6: As you walk the streets of your nondescript metropolitan city together, you realize that you’ll never find a restaurant that’s open on Thanksgiving. So you grab a bag of chips and a bottle of cheap champagne from the only store that’s open and go back to his place, where he makes a feast out of leftovers and junk food. You laugh, drink eggnog, and share a romantic kiss by the fireplace before excusing yourself to use the bathroom.
Step 7: Get lost on the way to the bathroom and stumble across a room full of mail. Check the envelopes and realize that every single one of them is a letter addressed to Santa. Confront him about it and get him to confess that he’s not just “Nick the Cute Mail Guy” he’s actually Nicholas Clause Jr. aka the Son of Santa AND his official mail carrier.
Step 8: Tell him that he’s delusional and say that you’re leaving. As you try to storm out of his apartment, he throws himself into the crackling fireplace. You scream as you watch him disappear through the chimney. Moments later there’s a knock on the door. You open it and there he is, dashing as ever, completely unscathed by the fire. He asks if the two of you can talk…Numb, you open the door and he takes your hand and sits you down on his knee. He tells you of his life and about his magical childhood in the North Pole. How, when he got older, he needed to go out and explore the world, which is why he became his father’s official letter carrier. He says he’d always dreamt of living in your Unnamed Urban City (which is actually Vancouver) and working in a vague corporate environment which is why he decided to base his operation out of a magical mailroom in your company’s generic office building. He explains how he uses chimneys to transport himself around the world, collecting letters to Santa. He asks if you’d like to come with him. You do. Together you travel via chimney across the globe. Along the way you fall madly in love—not just with his spirit, but with the spirit of Christmas.
Step 9: Go to his parents’ house and be proposed to in a romantic mail-themed way on Christmas after Santa’s back from delivering presents. The elves will sing and you’ll live happily ever after with your sexy mailman husband and the world’s best in-laws.
Warning: If he proposes to you on any other day besides Christmas, you can forget about getting a wedding sequel. Remember, the Hallmark of a good relationship is one that revolves entirely around Christmas.
Step 1: Be born and raised in a small town in Middle America where everybody knows each other. It’s important that you’ve spent your entire life in this town, so if you’ve ever moved, I’m sorry but this advice isn’t for you. Why don’t you go back to “Baking Love” where you still might actually have a shot at love, spinster.
Step 2: After a lifetime of small-town Stars Hollow bliss, you decide to reopen your family’s old bookstore. Ideally, your name is something like Paige Turner, but I’m willing to be flexible if you name the bookstore something equally kitschy.
Step 3: Get roped into helping your best friend since childhood throw the town’s 100th anniversary Christmas Eve Ball.
P.S. If your town doesn’t have a tradition dating back at least 100 years? Good luck finding love.
Step 4: Discover your dead father’s secret manuscript hidden in a stack of old books at the back of your impossibly quaint store. Read it from front to back in one sitting and dramatically wipe away a single tear as you whisper, “It’s a masterpiece, Dad. A masterpiece.”
Step 5: Send it off to the top publishing house in New York or London and then receive a phone call that your dead dad’s book is a hit and that the fancy publishers want to rush to get it out by Christmas. They have a few notes, so they’ll be sending one of their very best agents down to you so you can make the final edits by their Christmas Eve deadline.
Step 6: Butt heads with the impossibly handsome big-city publisher, preferably named Read, with whom you have undeniable sexual chemistry.
Step 7: Deny that sexual chemistry. Fight him on every single edit he tries to make to your father’s book. Tell him that he doesn’t understand the book because he doesn’t understand the meaning of Christmas.
Step 8: Resolve to show that city slicker the true meaning of Christmas. Tell him that if he wants you to approve the changes to your dad’s book he has to help you with your volunteer duties for the town’s Christmas Ball. You’ll develop the feels as you deck the halls and soon you’ll share a steamy kiss followed by a brief commercial break.
P.S. If you don’t get him to understand the true meaning of Christmas by midnight on Christmas Eve, you will be cursed from here until eternity.
Step 9: Receive a troubling call from the publishing house that leads to a simple misunderstanding between you and your bookish beau. You’re left in the lurch when he leaves town with your book and your heart.
Step 10: Star in a melodramatic montage of you looking sad as you sell books to your attractive and happy customers while a jazzy Christmas song plays underneath. Your best friend will bring you hot cocoa and tell you to forget about the book and the boy, but you just can’t.
Step 11: Depressed but dressed, you show up at the Christmas Eve Ball to fulfill your volunteer duties. Stare longingly out the window at the town gazebo.
Step 12: Be swept off your feet when your publishing paramour appears at the coat check with the first edition of your father’s book and it’s everything you wanted it to be and more. The reviews are in and they say it’s the best story ever written about Christmas since the Bible. With the misunderstanding solved and your father’s legacy preserved, yule head straight for the mistletoe and live happily ever after.
Disclaimer: If your dead dad’s book isn’t about Christmas, you will die alone.
If none of these ideas worked for you, well sorry but you just don’t have main character energy. Don’t worry, though. You can always throw yourself down a flight of stairs in front of a men’s class at Equinox! I’m sure you’ll get invited to a Christmas or two!
Images: Jovana Rikalo / Stocksy.com; Giphy (4)