We’re mere days from the Met Gala, the annual event in which celebrities parade around in the craziest shit they and their reputations can stand to wear, awaiting either praise or brutal memes from their harshest critics: all of us, in our beds, wearing day-four sweats and stuffing our faces with potato chips. There’s truly no better self-esteem booster than observing stars like Blake Lively, Gigi Hadid, Sarah Jessica Parker and more kissing Anna Wintour’s hand while wearing clothes that cost more than my entire college tuition.
This year’s theme is “Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty” to honor Karl, the not-at-all problematic fashion designer, who died in February 2019 following a more than 30-year stint at the helm of Chanel.
But the only thing better than
criticizing admiring celebrity fashion and blasting Karl’s boneheaded statements about the #MeToo movement and bigoted thoughts on marginalized people paying tribute to a legend is seeing what’s inside the highly coveted Met Gala gift bags.
As is tradition, Anna, the self-proclaimed queen of the gala, has probably spared no expense to ensure that the celebrities in attendance get the most prestige, necessary gifts that money can buy.
Below, find an exclusive, absolutely real and not at all fake look at the items Anna has (most likely, probably, possibly) hand-selected for her celebrity attendees this year.
Met Gala 2023 Gift Bag Exclusive Look:
- 1 single almond
- A diamond-encrusted locket containing a miniature portrait of Anna and a strand of her hair
- Pocket-sized urn of Karl Lagerfeld’s ashes
- A bottle of “Anna’s Favorite Elixir,” rumored to be a blend of cold-pressed kale juice and tears from young, aspiring fashion editors
- An $8,000 designer trash can to discard nylons, leggings and all-black outfits
- A $5,000 scented candle with notes of jasmine, bergamot, power, control and a hint of Chanel No. 5
- 2 nights at a $100,000 wellness sanctuary at a secluded oasis, where guests can indulge in gourmet vegan cuisine, crystal-infused meditation sessions and watch Anna play tennis
- A $4,000 set of artisanal chocolates with zero sugar, zero fat, zero additives, zero preservatives, and zero flavors
- Dinner reservation for two at The Palm Steakhouse to experience Anna’s $77.33 go-to lunch: a steak and caprese salad without the tomatoes
- 1 crème brûlée to-go in a locked box with no key (only to smell, not to taste)
- Limited-edition, handcrafted fruit bowl filled with fake pomegranates, dragon fruit, kiwis and papayas that must be in clear view for filming “73 Questions”
- A pair of $3,000 pearl-embellished Chanel sunglasses offering maximum UV protection while hiding all emotions and signs of aging
- 1 single peony hand-picked from Anna’s garden by a newly hired Vogue intern
- $8,000 collagen peptide supplements made from the finest, organic grass-fed cows, hand-massaged twice daily and fed the most exclusive organic produce to ensure the highest quality collagen for skin, hair and joints
- A .0002% share of Karl’s cat Choupette’s life insurance policy
- 1 advanced copy of the June Vogue issue signed by Anna’s assistant
- Pete Davidson’s phone number
- A free shot of Ozempic