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A Bro’s Breakdown Of Katie’s Bachelorette Contestants

By Jared Freid | June 3, 2021
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Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 36-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love them so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker got their first dangly earring. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Matt James’ season is in my highlights) and then recapping the episodes the next day on The Betchelor podcast. And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor Post Game Show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.

Katie

Katie showed up to last season waving a vibrator, and I kept thinking she was going to make this her whole personality and start selling “Buzz Buzz Bitch” T-shirts on Instagram. And you know what? That didn’t really happen. She carried the vibrator around the first night and made some jokes, but they weren’t cringey or too awful and she kind of rolled with it. It’s funny, with a joke like that there are some people who will never let it go. They’re the least developed people in the universe. Katie could become a congresswoman and they’ll be like, “AREN’T YOU THAT DIDLO WOMAN?!!?” But that’s why I’ve always liked Katie. Unlike those people, she changed her opinion when presented with new information. Last season, the house got addicted to sh*t talking and drama. Katie was a part of that. She then recognized that it was all becoming too much before even a producer could see it, and then she reported the whole thing to Matt and got this show back to being the wholesome Christian programming that we all know and love. There are some that accuse Katie of seeing an opportunity in being this anti-bullying peer mediator, but I would argue that it would take a woke mastermind to see an audience that feeds on the blood of contestants all of a sudden getting tired of drama and making the peacemaker their queen. So, yes, I’m a Katie fan and I think she will be a fun captain for this ship and I’m willing to be pointed in the right direction by her seven-inch vibrator set to that weird, vroom vroom vrooooooooooom setting that so many of you love.

Aaron

Aaron is a 26-year-old insurance agent from San Diego, California who looks like his whole personality is “I learned about cryptocurrency yesterday.” Aaron has one tattoo: his family’s initials on his neck. Like how a prince would wear his family’s crest, except he probably doesn’t own land. How is that his only tattoo?! I feel like a neck tattoo should be number twelve. Like, it starts with the one on the foot and then you get the one under your wrist and then you seek out therapy and you say, “Hey, I’m going to get a neck tattoo” and the therapist is like, “You know this takes you out of the suit-wearing jobs and you’re like “I’m ok with that.” And then nine tattoos later you honor your family with a tattoo that frightens senior citizens. 

Andrew S

Andrew S is a 26-year-old football player from Vienna, Austria who spends half the year playing professional football in Vienna and the other half as a teacher’s assistant in Chicago. Let me translate that for you: Andrew S is a substitute teacher from Chicago who vacations in Vienna to play football with some friends. His bio says he “has a great sense of humor, and one of his favorite party tricks is imitating accents from around the globe.” Andrew is about to be canceled in the most viral video way. It’ll start with, “Here’s how they sound in Vienna” and everyone will laugh. Then he’ll be like, “Ever been to China!?” and a police officer will show up to escort him to a TV studio where Emmanuel Acho will be waiting to interview him.

Andrew M

Andrew M is a 31-year-old deputy district attorney from Newport Beach, California whose bio says he “loves his job.” I’m sorry. I don’t believe anyone who goes on The Bachelorette is all jazzed up about their job. I can’t live in this rom-com dream world where Andrew screams, “Objection!!” And the judge is like, “sustained counselor! Court is adjourned!!” And then Andrew high fives his assistant and they’re like, “Got another one! I don’t know how you do it!” And Andrew’s like, “I’ve got it all, Gretchen. Just need that perfect gal! If only there was a way to compete against 29 aspiring actors for the right one!”

Austin

Austin is a 25-year-old real estate investor from Mission Viejo, California whose bio says he flipped 20 houses in 2020. Now, I guess someone who flips houses could be considered a “real estate investor” but it feels like false advertising to me. Like, let’s say Austin wins. Katie is like, “When are you going to the office?!” And Austin is like, “I’m already there!” and shows her his Zillow search for houses under $200K. I don’t think that memory accompanies Katie and her famous vibrator the next time they’re in the tub.

Brandon

Brandon is a 26-year-old auto parts manager from Queens, New York who looks like he’s still trying to make his college band happen. Brandon’s hair doesn’t match his suit. With that hair he should only be allowed to wear tight, white, ribbed tank tops. It actually looks like his head was Photoshopped onto that neck. If Brandon doesn’t put his hand through his hair while looking at the ground and talking about a dead brother, then nobody has a dead brother.

Brendan

Brendan is a 26-year-old firefighter trainee from Toronto who looks like he makes TikToks about his hair transplant journey. Brendan should tell you everything you need to know about male confidence. He’s not even a full firefighter and he’s going on a competition for a woman. What does he think Katie’s going to say?! “Well, the lawyer seemed nice and I sure do like guys with a mortgage, but that firefighting intern really knows some great quotes from The Office.”

Christian

Christian is a 26-year-old real estate agent from Boston who’s still wearing the shoal sweater his ex bought him for her company’s holiday party. Here’s what I LOVE about Christian: His bio says that he’s sold over $25 million worth of residential real estate. I don’t know how you tell someone how much you make without telling them how much you make, so I can only imagine Christian is a total monster and I can’t wait for that. I’m imagining he’s talking to Katie and someone comes over and is like, “Can I steal her for a second?!” And Christian doesn’t even turn around while calmly saying, “Do you know how much my time is worth?” and the other guy is like, “Ha ha man, come on.” And Christian just explodes with, “I’ve sold over $25 million dollars worth of property and I WILL NOT BE CHALLENGED BY A FITNESS INSTRUCTOR!!”

Cody

Cody is a 27-year-old zipper sales manager from San Diego who looks like a boy who made a wish to be a grown man. His bio says he’s “a proud Eagle Scout.” That’s one of those things that someone says and you immediately make fun of it. Like, I’d blurt out, “Eagle Scout!? Ya, and I’m going to space camp this summer!” And then you realize they’re serious and you have to be like, “Oh that’s awesome!” And then they make you realize you’re garbage. They explain that the scouts get them outdoors and working with kids and how they “learn more from the kids than you could ever imagine.” And then they’re like, “What are your hobbies?!” And you’re like, “I eat and talk sh*t with my friends about the other friends who aren’t there.”

Connor B

Connor B is a 29-year-old math teacher from Nashville. Nobody has ever looked like the fun math teacher more than Connor B. That’s “Mr B.” and I can’t see it any other way. Get a Disney exec on the phone and book this guy to say, “Ok kids. Pop quiz! Mr B ain’t cheugy sheeeeshh.” It’s got to be weird being a teacher in Nashville. It’s just such a small party town. You could literally be teaching the Pythagorean Theorem an hour before a woman in a pink cowboy hat is grinding on you while puking a little bit in her mouth. What a magical place.

Conor C

Conor C is a 28-year-old former baseball player from Costa Mesa, California who looks like he told the barber, “I’ll take the husband who kills his wife and becomes an episode of Dateline!” Conor says finding someone who has the similar religious beliefs is “very important” to him because “raising his future family in the church is a huge priority.” It’s so wild to me that the same group that’s like, “being gay is a sin” is also the one to say, “The Bachelor franchise is a reasonable way to find your spouse.” If Conor wins, I want to be at the church when he shows up with Katie. I’ll be like, “Congratulations!!! God gave you the gift of love!! Now pull out her vibrator and feed me the sacrament off the head!!”

David

David is a 27-year-old technical product specialist from Nashville whose bio says, “Synchronicity in life is of the utmost importance.” I’ve googled the word synchronicity for you:

the simultaneous occurrence of events which appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.

I’ve read that definition 15 times and I still can’t understand what’s important to David. I don’t think David knows what he’s saying, but I think that he thinks that he’s fooled us into thinking he’s an intellectual. It’s like a fake verbal orgasm. I’d love to hear David fake an actual orgasm. He’d be like, “UH UH UH I HAVE COME TO FRUITION WITH THE GIFT OF EJACULATE!! THIS IS IN NO WAY SYNCHRONICITY!! THIS EJACULATE HAS AN ACTUAL CONNECTION TO YOUR VAGINA!!!”

Gabriel

Gabriel is a 35-year-old entrepreneur from Charlotte who looks like he’s going to help you pick out some clothes at Bloomingdale’s. Anytime someone comes on the show with the job of “entrepreneur” it means that their parents are rich or they started a food-related Instagram account within the last month. I’m going with rich parents here. Gabriel is using his full name, he’s 35, and his bio says he loves to play tennis and he “prides himself on having a lot of passions and interests.” Only a person who comes from money could be dressed as Franck from Father of The Bride and publicly say they have a lot of pride in their passions while most of the Earth is going through a pandemic. I’m excited to hear Gabriel complain about his rusty backhand because of “the crazy year we had.”

Garrett

Garrett is a 29-year-old software marketing manager from Salinas, California who may be the best looking male redhead to ever walk this planet. If I’m head of marketing for male redheads, then I’m hiring Garrett as our mascot. That’s a group that needs a rebrand. Who is their guy? Carrot Top? Someone from the Weasley family?! Chuckie Finster?! You may be attracted to one of those people, but the male redhead community has never really had sexy representation. I just googled “Hottest Redheaded Men” and Conan O’Brien was on the list! People. They need someone. Garrett needs to get to the finals so that the redheaded community can have its day and so my Google search history stops looking like I have some weird fetish!

Greg

Greg is a 27-year-old marketing sales representative from Edison, New Jersey who looks like the hot lead of a Disney Channel Original Movie who never fully went through puberty. Listen, Greg has a great head of hair and it seems like he took the center part critique from Gen Z a little too seriously. And he’s not alone. Millennials are the most self-conscious generation and within a month of hearing the center part and mom jeans are in, many of my friends look like they’re dressed as Jonathan Taylor Thomas for Halloween. Good luck, Greg. I hope you find your look!

Hunter

Hunter is a 34-year-old software strategist from Houston whose face screams “I have a pet bird.” And you know what?! His face screamed correctly, because Hunter has a pet parakeet named Zazu. Hunter’s bio says “as a child, he was known for writing incredible love letters and always being the guy to surprise his crushes with mix tapes or flowers.” Listen, a love letter and some flowers is a totally nice gesture, but can you imagine being “known” for love letters, mix tapes, and flowers?!! That’s the most bizarre reputation that I’ve ever heard. And he didn’t say it was for his girlfriends, it’s for his crushes. So you could be warned about him. Like, “Ya, that’s Hunter. Don’t make eye contact with him for too long unless you want to walk around school with a bouquet and a new CD where “Hey There Delilah” is all 14 tracks.”

Jeff

Jeff is a 31-year-old surgical skin salesman from Jersey City who looks like the worst possible outcome for when Belle turns the Beast into a man. I like Jeff and I want the best for him. His bio talks about a big Italian family and his mom doing his laundry (you know, normal Italian man in his 30s stuff). But the reason I’m cheering for him is that his job HAS to be tough on a dating app. You’re on an app where you’re constantly trying to forget all of the dangers of meeting a stranger on the internet and he’s like, “My passion is human skin!” And I’m sure he’s helping a lot of people, but it’s just not getting Jeff to some casual drinks, where a woman’s finger isn’t ready to send an emergency text under the table.

John

John is a 27-year-old bartender from Pacific Beach, California who looks like his catchphrase is, “I TOTALLY agree! We should DEFINITELY be friends!” John is described as a “thrill-seeker” who goes to EDM shows. I can’t imagine a less attractive description. If a friend was like, “I have a single friend who wants to take you to a David Guetta concert! Oh and they’re a bartender and they love skydiving!” I’d be like, “How about a friend who has a job with a retirement savings plan and enjoys sitting quietly on the couch in-between talking sh*t about people we see on Instagram?!”

Josh

Josh is a 25-year-old IT Consultant from Miami who looks like he saw a picture of Steve Jobs and thought, “THAT, but with a blazer!” Josh’s bio says that he’s a hopeless romantic. And he’s not alone. At least half of these bios have said the same thing. I think they all say it because they believe that’s what women want to hear. But, to me, “hopeless romantic” means you do dumb stuff for love. So, yes, going on a TV show to compete against 29 other men for one woman is dumb and it makes you a hopeless romantic. I’m more of a “Hopeless Eater” which means I do dumb stuff for food. Like I’ll go to a McDonald’s, wait until they make a new batch of fries, get two larges, eat one in the parking lot, eat one while I drive, throw away the garbage at the local high school, and get home and ask, “What’s for dinner!?” as if nothing happened.

Justin

Justin is a 26-year-old investment sales consultant from Baltimore who will do well on this show. His bio says everything right, but in an authentic way. It talks about looking for a partner and his family and how he’s into fitness but loves to BBQ with some Sauvignon Blanc. I’m sure even my description might make you slip off of your chair. Hell, when it said he was an “extremely talented painter” I screamed, “PAINT ME!!” as I played with my nipple while sitting at this Starbucks. Justin’s one thing is that he hates dancing, which doesn’t matter at all. But it’s definitely something your annoying friend who complains about being single would complain about. Like, “Well, he loves his family and he’s a painter and his body is a 10 and when he goes down on me, I cum so hard that a butterfly flies out of my mouth, but he doesn’t dance! Like what will we do at our wedding? Ugh life is hard!!!”

Karl

Karl is a 34-year-old motivational speaker from Miami who says that his favorite holiday is New Year’s Day because he loves the feeling of a fresh start. That would be enough information for me to send Karl home. In fact that would be my first question. I’d be like, “Hi Everyone! Please grab a pen and paper and write down the answer to the following question: if New Year’s Day lands on a Thursday then what day does the year officially start? Now, if you’re a psychopath who wrote Thursday, then there’s a car waiting for you outside. If you wrote, ‘I drink through the weekend and I avoid any type of renewal until that next Monday,’ then you’re invited to stay for the rest of the cocktail party.”

Kyle

Kyle is a 26-year-old technical recruiter from Fort Lauderdale who looks like he’s been on The Bachelorette the last 10 years in a row but we never remember his name. His bio says that Steve Irwin is his idol, which feels like he picked a celebrity name out of a bucket that was labeled “Personality Help.” He also says that he wants someone who can make him laugh like he’s some sort of king beckoning a jester. How about you bring a little personality, Kyle?! We get it. You said “Steve Irwin is my idol” once and it got a laugh at the office so now you’re peddling that around as your fun fact until you can find a woman who was brave enough to wave a vibrator on TV so that you can stop trying to nail an Australian accent. Kyle is looking for a crutch, not a girlfriend.

Landon

Landon is a 25-year-old basketball coach who looks like the edible just kicked in. Landon’s hair needs to be discussed. What’s the thought process here? Based on this picture, it looks like he takes the brush and starts at his forehead and just goes straight back. Then he apparently lets the sides do their own thing? It’s a strange way to go. Like, you’re either a brush guy or you’re not a brush guy, and he seems to be stuck between two worlds. He cares but he doesn’t care. It’s wild. He’s like a graduate of a Big Ten School, you care enough to get an education but you don’t care when nobody believes your claim that the business school “is actually really good.” Wild.

Marcus

Marcus is a 30-year-old real estate agent from Portland, Oregon who looks like your mom already loves him. Marcus was asked to describe himself as a lover, and he says he is “amazing.” This is actually the best answer to the question. Let’s say you believe that Marcus is an amazing lover, well you’d probably want to have sex with him. Now let’s say you don’t believe Marcus, well you’d probably want to have sex with him just to see what he thinks is amazing. Amazing or not amazing, Marcus is climaxing every damn time. Wow. This really beats my answer of, “Well, it depends on what I ate and the time of day and the type of condom and can I go down on the woman first?! And what really constitutes amazing? Would we cuddle? And can you rate me the second time we have sex because I tend to last longer when I’m more comfortable with the person.”

Marty

Marty is a 25-year-old dancer from Reno who says his self-declared tagline is “Marty brings the party.” His bio also says he loves to express himself through physical touch and says that he “loves to love on and be loved on.” As someone who has dealt with body issues his whole life, these are things that could only be said by an incredibly fit guy like Marty or the most overweight guy in a fraternity. Anyone in between those two bodies would sound ridiculous. Just imagine a 5’8’’ guy who works in finance saying, “I like to love on and be loved on.” You’re calling the cops. Now imagine that same guy saying, “Marty brings the party!” You’re leaving that party. Now imagine THIS Marty screaming, “Marty brings the party” as he high fives Jack Black who then turns to you and whispers, “Come with us to be loved on but you know we need a little love too!” You’re running behind them while giggling and ripping your shirt off to see what these two knuckleheads say next and you’re buying a ticket to whatever movie they star in.

Michael

Michael is a 36-year-old business owner from Akron, Ohio whose tired eyes and sweater should tell you he is a single dad with a 4-year-old son. That has to be the saddest goodbye on the planet. Imagine Michael explaining this trip to his 4-year-old son like, “Daddy is going away. He’s going to a big house with lots of men with big muscles and abs to find a new mommy. And daddy hopes that this new mommy can appreciate daddy’s personality and not ask about your real mommy and how she got the house. Okay I have to go! I’ll probably be home in a week but at the slight chance that this new mommy is turned on by one-bedroom apartments in Akron then it might be longer. Bye!!!”

Mike

Mike is a 31-year-old gym owner from San Diego who looks like he’s about to corner you at a party after he’s done a bunch of coke to tell you about his app idea. Mike’s bio says that he’s “always been a one-woman type of guy, but due to his successful run in the MLB, dating was never really a priority in his life.” I love the subtext of that sentence. Like, “Oh shucks, with all that baseball and money they pay you in the Majors, I could never even look at a woman!!” But let me translate how he says the same sentence to other men who aren’t Bachelorette producers. It goes, “Who would have a serious girlfriend when they’re making millions playing baseball?!?!” and it’s followed by so many high fives that he uses his non-throwing hand.

Quartney

Quartney (yes, with a Q) is a 26-year-old Nutrition Entrepreneur from Dallas who looks like he posts all day on social media about a MultiLevel Marketing company that convinced him to say he’s a “Nutrition Entrepreneur.” Quartney’s bio goes on to say nothing about his use of the letter Q or nutrition. It makes no sense. You’re creating some business about nutrition with no mention as to the type of nutrition you’re passionate about?! Even someone who is into Keto talks about how much they love bell peppers and fried cheese! I can only assume that Nutrition Entrepreneur means naturally skinny people convincing people (like me) that they don’t need diet or exercise to achieve a naturally skinny body. And if that’s the case, I’d like Quartney to take all of my money.

Thomas

Thomas is a 28-year-old real estate broker from Poway, California who looks more like a cool dad who’s going to take you to McDonald’s than a Bachelorette contestant. His bio says that he “often wonders if The Rock really can eat everything he posts on Instagram for his cheat meal days.” Yes, an interview about what Thomas is looking for in a woman is a weird time to bring up The Rock’s eating habits. But I am also someone who thinks about the Rock’s cheat meal posts. And it’s funny how one post can produce so many questions. Thomas is sitting there wondering about how he can possibly consume all that food and I’m wondering why The Rock’s “cheat meal” is the same as my “sensible Sunday night dinner.” It’s honestly insulting and bullying and shaming and I will not stand for it. #NORMALIZE50PIECESUSHIORDERSFORONE #CancelTheRock

Tre

Tre is a 26-year-old software engineer from Covington, Georgia whose favorite activity is to meet his friends for their brunch and book club. Good for Tre, but if I saw a group of people sit down to brunch with the same book to discuss, I’d stare as if it were a UFO landing. If my friends and I turned our brunch into a club, it would be called a “Brunch and smells like alcohol mixed with farts” club.

The Box/Blake Moynes

This season, someone shows up in a box, and it was kind of teased and then revealed during a promo that it’s former contestant Blake Moynes. And I know what you’re thinking: “WHO?!”

Blake Moynes is a 29-year-old wildlife manager from Ontario who looks like the lovechild of Kirk Cameron and Sulley from Monsters Inc. Blake is from Clare/Tayshia’s season. Before their season I wrote:

Blake’s bio is a lot like The Bachelorette in that it’s a fairytale that women want to hear. It says, “Blake spent his Saturday nights hanging with his best friends, but now all of those friends are married and he’s the last single man remaining.” This is written as if it’s a tragedy in Blake’s life. As if his friends were like, “What? No wife? I guess we’ll see you when you’re married… hopefully, our kids aren’t too far apart in age to hang at that point.”

I wasn’t wrong about Blake. He kind of played up the puppy dog “poor me” attitude throughout the show. If we ranked the things to pop out of the box on a scale of “famous single guy” to “pretty good vibrator” then Blake would rank as a vibrator that doesn’t get fully hard and will probably cry in Katie’s arms before buzzing slightly due to a low battery.

Images: ABC/Andrew Eccles; ABC/Craig Sjodin (31)

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