It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Not the holidays, but those are coming up too: Bachelor Bio days! Yes, technically ABC released the full bios of Matt James’s contestants on The Bachelor on Friday, but it was 3pm and I had other things to do (wine to drink), so I couldn’t pump out my judgmental quips as fast for you people. But after putting much thought (wine) into it over the weekend, I have returned with my breakdown of Matt James’s contestants.
Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager
Abigail says good looks are “a plus” but “getting to know someone on a deeper level is far more important in a successful relationship.” And that’s why she signed up to get engaged to someone after at most eight weeks of dating non-exclusively on a television show.
Alana, 26, Photographer
Alana acts like she’s this free spirit because she didn’t go to college right after high school, she… wait for it… moved to Europe. Ah yes, Europe! The road less traveled! Europe is where Alana went on a “journey of self-discovery and exploration”, which we all know means she banged a bunch of dudes with accents and maybe had a threesome. Get Emily In Paris outta here.
Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina
Now that’s what I’m calling a job title. Alicia describes herself as “unlucky in love”, which doesn’t surprise me given that she’s been working to become a ballerina since age 13. The only thing I’ve worked at that long has been staying alive, and even that I haven’t even tried too hard to do. Anyway, the point is, she’s probably just been too busy to find a relationship. Alicia says she “loves all vegetables, with the exception of tomatoes”. Girl, tomatoes are a fruit.
Amber, 30, Nursing Student
What is it about Amber that’s giving me villain vibes? Is it the fillers? The nursing student profession? The name Amber? It’s all the above. Also because when Amber was asked what her physical type is, her answer was “MATT JAMES!” Honey, we asked your type, not who you’re competing for on the show. This has big “can I steal you for a sec?” energy written all over it. And finally, Amber says she is “terrified of being on the edge of cliffs,” and I’ve got to wonder just how often that comes up. Maybe we should do a cross-check to see if any of Amber’s exes have tragically fallen off cliffs before.
Anna, 24, Copywriter
I’m already feeling good about my decision not to apply for this season, because at 29, I would apparently be too old. So, Anna’s bio sounds like a bad Hallmark movie: this cheerleading captain knew she was meant for something bigger than her hometown Applebee’s, as if that’s some novel statement. Most of us also didn’t want to live out the rest of our days at a middle-tier chain restaurant, but we weren’t even popular in high school.
Anna says right off the bat that she wants a man who will take her at “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” The emotionally stable among us know that that is literally the bare minimum for a committed relationship. The fact that she needs to spell it out leads me to think she’s keyed a few cars in her day, as does her mentioning “Gemini vibes”. Anna, you can’t blame being a Gemini for the fact that you burned your ex’s clothes because you thought he was cheating on you!
Bri, 24, Communications Manager
Bri’s bio is so over-the-top that I have to wonder what ABC is trying to tell us with this. Like, her bio opens with, “Bri is really something special” and then goes into how hard her mother and grandmother worked at giving her a fighting shot at a successful life. Her dream is to live in Kauai. Her favorite activity is brunching. Her tattoos are a wave and the number 13 in Farsi. I’m thinking she wins, because there’s nothing even remotely embarrassing here. Either that or she’s super boring and goes home on the first night.
Carolyn, 30, Journalist
More like retired journalist, I’m just saying. Carolyn is also giving me villain vibes—not in the traditional villain sense, but in the sense that she’ll be the one who’s constantly losing it and whom the other girls can’t stand. Why do I think that? Because her bio has things like “Carolyn wants a bold man who won’t be afraid to challenge her and call her out if she needs it” (translation: she likes the toxic ones) and “She needs someone who will appreciate her intensity and bring an equal amount of passion to the relationship” (translation: her ideal relationship is a constant cycle between screaming and f*cking).
Casandra, 25, Social Worker
I have to say that nothing grates on me quite like girls who think that preferring to be in sweats with no makeup on is a unique personality trait. Newsflash: most people don’t prefer to put in effort and be uncomfortable! I feel like girls really took that Drake line and ran with it in the wrong direction. Drake wasn’t noting that his girl is special for not wanting to put on jeans or makeup, the noteworthy part is that she apparently actually looks better that way (which is actually a lie and a fake, toxic beauty standard, but that’s not why we’re here). In any case, “Best I Ever Had” came out 10 years ago, let’s please put this trope to rest.
Chelsea, 28, Runway Model
Chelsea might be the only one out of the bunch who’s here for the right reasons, because she’s an actual model and presumably doesn’t need to shill FabFitFun boxes in order to get mistaken for a model. Chelsea has very run-of-the-mill interests, which include learning Spanish online and her favorite meal being “snacks”. Suddenly I feel a lot better about the fact that, when asked on a date what my hobbies are, I said “currently watching Real Housewives of New York City from season 1”.
Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager
Well I’m glad it only took three years for the Bachelor franchise to permit another Corrinne to grace its hallowed halls. This Corrinne seems kind of similar to our Corrinne in that she earns her living through the family business, which in this case is a high-end Italian restaurant. So like, an Olive Garden. Corrinne says she wants “a man who will prioritize settling down over a busy nightlife and partying,” and it’s like, honey. Graduate college and you’ll find him. Don’t sweat it.
Emani, 25, Realtor
Emani says her turn-offs are “emotional instability, physical instability, and financial instability.” The emotional and financial instability I get. But what exactly is physical instability? Is it coded fatphobia? Is she going to make you take the Presidential Fitness Test on date one? Does she troll her local Iron Man competitions looking for love?
Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer
So basically Illeana is only here to promote “Funky Monkey Energy”, which sounds like a playtime education video series for toddlers. Whatever it is, it doesn’t even have a website (I checked). Great marketing. Illeana has a cat named Sir Theo who goes to the bathroom IN THE TOILET and she also probably has an overprotective dad who is a retired CIA operative.
Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer
PAGEANT GIRL ALERT! Jessenia is a former Miss El Paso 2016, and to be honest I’m surprised it took until the J names before a pageant queen came up. Jessenia says she “wants someone with whom she can travel the world, but who will also indulge in a fabulous staycation.” This is called balance, and it is not as unique as these girls think it is. I want someone who can travel but also not! This is not 1847 and Matt James is not a sea captain. I can guarantee most people you date are not traveling the world for the remainder of their existence.
Kaili, 26, Hostess
Kaili just heard of the Love Language test yesterday because her bio says she “loves to show affection through spending quality time with her partner, performing acts of service and making sure that her man knows their voice is being heard.” Kaili, you’re not just supposed to list out 3 of the 5 love languages, that doesn’t count! She also says the “man of her dreams is introspective” and “empathetic” so I’m predicting she’s going to be that contestant who won’t STFU about emotional intelligence because she read a book about it on the plane ride to
the Bachelor Mansion Nemacolin. Kaili, calm down. You’re not a mental health counselor, you probably work at a small-town Applebee’s.
Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager
Katie is going to be typecast as “the old spinster” and I know this because the first sentence of her bio is a dig at the “boys” she has dated in the past. Katie’s most fun fact is that she “once planned a dog flash mob”, and I have a lot of questions. Did the dogs learn a choreographed dance? If not, is that really a flash mob? Just say you and a few of your dog mom friends got together in the park one day and go.
Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate
Get ready for a number of tearful montages showing Khaylah on the front lines (are healthcare advocates on the front lines? What do they do, exactly?) with her patients or volunteering for those less fortunate or saving some old man from getting hit by a bus. She seems great, she really does—almost too great. Even her fun fact says that she idolizes Rihanna. She might as well have put that she enjoys breathing for all that tells us.
Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter
Kimberly is now at least the third girl to point out that she loves snacks in some variation or another, and now I have to wonder what kind of anti-snack propaganda they’re disseminating to hot women to make them think this is quirky. Snacks are just smaller meals, everybody likes snacks! I am beginning to suspect snacks are just the new pizza in terms of “foods hot women claim to eat to seem relatable.” Anyway, Kimberly’s bio says not to take her on a date to a cemetery because that’s a hard pass for her. I literally host a true crime podcast and not once has a guy offered to take me on a date to a cemetery, so I’ve got to wonder if Kimberly is using her Ouija board as a dating app.
Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur
Ok, you may have fooled Bachelor casting, Kit, but you didn’t fool me. You’re 21 years old. You are not a “fashion entrepreneur”, you are an attractive, thin woman on Instagram who gets sent free clothes. There, I fixed it. And yea, I was right: she lives at home with her parents in the West Village while finishing school at NYU. Kit also hasn’t had a serious relationship since high school, which is supposed to sound impressive but that was literally four years ago for you, Kit! Talk to me when you’re 29 and haven’t had a serious relationship since scrunching your hair with 10 pounds of gel was in vogue! Get a f*cking grip.
Kristin, 27, Attorney
Kristin is kind of a walking contradiction. She works too hard to date, but is a party starter. She loves PDA but is obsessive about her oral hygiene. She needs someone who doesn’t care about their personal space, but god forbid you try to take a fry off her plate. I’m beginning to see why she might be single.
Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney
At this point I just feel bad for any Lauren that gets cast on this show. This Lauren actually seems very normal: she likes working out, going to the beach, and her book club. The only potential red flag I see is that she seems like the type to bring up her biological clock on the first date.
Magi, 32, Pharmacist
First of all, loving that Magi dressed for this Photoshoot like an eligible Victorian bachelorette with a terrible secret. That’s the only semi-bad thing I can say about her because otherwise she sounds like a literal saint. Moving on because now I feel bad about myself.
Mari, 24, Marketing Director
Another beauty queen! Mari won Miss Maryland USA in 2019. She says she loves working remotely because “she can’t wait to have kids and wants to be a working mom that shows young women they truly can have it all!” That’s why you love working remotely? Not because of the lack of commute? Not because you can wear sweats? Because of some kids you don’t even have yet? Well, I guess I’m the asshole because I like waking up five minutes before I’m supposed to sign on in my pizza-stained pajamas.
Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator
Marylynn’s five-year plan is to be married with two or more rescue dogs and “living a productive, inspirational, healthy life”. This is oddly specific, but hey, at least she’s got goals. I bet she kills in job interviews.
MJ, 23, Hair Stylist
MJ is a so-called “beauty expert” who’s wearing no makeup in her headshot. I’m 50/50 on whether or not this is a good endorsement of her skills. She grew up on a small island in Lake Erie, so maybe lip balm counts as glam when you’re in the woods 24/7.
Pieper, 23, Graduate Student
I love that Pieper’s bio begins, “don’t discount Pieper as just a pretty face!” because if we were doing that, we’d be discounting all 32 of these women. And everyone from every single past season. But sure.
Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer
Rachael says she “needs a man who will make every day with her something to tell their future children about” and like, what Hallmark Christmas movie are these girls injecting into their eyeballs before they write these bios? I don’t need to tell you all why this is wildly unrealistic and also makes no f*cking sense. She also is the only one so far to get a direct quote: “At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others.” Yikes, I feel really sad that career counseling in Cumming, GA apparently consists of putting all the girls in a room and showing them Disney movies. That’s the only explanation I could come up with for why someone could honestly be out in the world thinking that love (and not, idk, accomplishments, personal fulfillment, contentment) is what makes your life more special than others.
Saneh, 25, IT Consultant
Saneh was apparently inducted into the University of Florida’s Hall of Fame for “outstanding leadership, service, and academic achievement” which I assume means she organized a killer bar crawl junior year. She had a pet parrot as a child and ran her first marathon at the age of 16, so I am frankly afraid of her.
Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist
Alexis Rose is a trained fire dancer, which is very Alexis. All her bio needs is the added detail that she learned to fire dance in order to escape from the yacht where she was being held captive by a fake Saudi prince.
Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant
Now this is fun, multiple Serenas. We only got one Lauren but have more than one Serena, you really don’t see that every season. Serena C. is the only girl so far who’s acknowledged quarantine at all, though she says she was spending that time “to really think about what qualities she wants in a partner” when we all know she was learning the “Savage” dance.
Serena P., 22, Publicist
Serena P. is making up for the fact that she probably never got to legally set foot in a bar before COVID hit by saying that she’s “always been a believer that no matter what your age is, when you know, you know.” Serena P. is “chronically hangry”, says her dream man “HAS to be willing to share his food with her”, and “would love to have a pet chicken so she could have a pet and an endless supply of eggs.” Ok, so the woman wasn’t kidding. She is hungry! Someone get Serena P. an omelet, STAT!
Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist
Sydney’s whole bio is basically about how “opinionated” she is, so she’s going to start sh*t with every woman in the house for no reason. She writes that her role in life is to “give facts over being a shoulder to cry on” which legally is the closest they’re allowed to get to “not here to make friends” before the cameras start rolling.
Victoria, 27, Queen
Umm, I’m sorry? Did I read that correctly? Yes, this girl really put “Queen” as her bio and says that she refers to herself as “Queen Victoria”. I don’t even need to read anything else; this tells me everything I need to know. Oh wait, she has a goldendoodle named Coco. Ok, NOW I have everything. Run for the hills.
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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin