At f*cking 4:30pm EST, ABC decided to sabotage my life and all my plans for a workout by dropping the full list of Hannah B’s contestants and their bios. Now if you’ll recall, we already knew these dudes’ names and what they looked like thanks to some mall headshots ABC released earlier in the year. However, it is 2019, and we are not appearance-shaming. Instead, I choose to take the high road and shame people based on their intellect and personality—or in this case, lack thereof. So join me as I roast all of Hannah B’s contestants, and keep on the lookout for Jared Freid’s roast, which will be coming before you can say “Roll Tide”.
Brian, 30, Math Teacher
Brian “loves math so much that he teaches it at the same high school he attended.” Does that really mean you love math? Or does it mean you just have not grown enough to leave your hometown? Other fun facts about Brian: he was born on Flag Day, meaning he is probably the only person who remembers when Flag Day is. He is also “a pun and sarcasm enthusiast”, which makes me think he’s kind of an asshole. Have you ever met someone who put “fluent in sarcasm” on their dating app profile who wasn’t just using that as a cover for being a complete douche nugget? Exactly. It’s second only to “I’m just brutally honest and tell it like it is.” No, you’re not, Karen, you just have no tact.
Cam, 30, Software Sales
Starting off our extended list of white guy names is Cam from Texas. I think I knew everything I need to know about Cam when I read this sentence: “Cam can freestyle rap about anything and play the harmonica.” And for that reason, I’m out.
This is how I imagine every social function with Cam goes:
Not a soul:
Cam: Anyway, here’s “Wonderwall” on the harmonica! Seriously bro, I’m so good at free styling. Just give me a topic and I’ll make up a rap about it. Seriously, any topic.
Chasen, 27, Pilot
Chasen? CHASEN. Chasen? Not even Chase, now we have to contend with a name that is also a verb that you don’t really ever want a man to be doing to you. But, honestly, this guy’s name might be the most interesting thing about him, considering that his favorite pastime is watching The Bachelor with his mom and drinking cocktails. His other dirty little secret is that he bought a girlfriend a Tiffany necklace once, but they broke up before he could give it to her, so he gave it to his sister. Scandalous! Let me call Olivia Pope.
Connor J., 28, Sales Manager
Oh boy. The fact that we have two Connors is not promising. This Connor, apparently, is a good guy, evidenced by the fact that ABC says this three different ways in his bio. So now for that reason, he’s just skyrocketed to my list of “contestants most likely to have a sex scandal emerge during their time on The Bachelorette.” Connor’s biggest turn-off is a girl who gossips, apparently, which leads me to believe he has no idea what he is in for. Do you understand what The Bachelor is and where Hannah B came from? Because it is pretty much the name of the game. I feel like Connor J. is going to be the first to run to Hannah to tell her when a guy is not there for the wrong reasons, because the people who are most likely to sh*t talk are the ones who act holier-than-thou about it.
Connor S., 24, Investment Analyst
This dude is 24??? Lord help us. Talk about here for the wrong reasons. ABC claims Connor S is “looking for a partner with whom to make lifelong memories,” which I believe about as much as I believe when my parents say that if I tell the truth about who stole their car and crashed it, they “won’t be mad”. Connor “LOVES” Justin Bieber (his caps, not mine), and loves dancing to Spanish songs “in the clubs”, although he does not speak Spanish. Two white guy interests: check.
Daron, 25, IT Consultant
Daron “may seem like a tough guy on the outside”, which is not at all due to the fact that he looks like OJ’s long-lost son, but he really is a giant teddy bear. In less cliche news, he likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Daron is a former college athlete who is a globally ranked Guitar Hero champion and is terrified of spiders. Honestly I don’t really have many qualms about Daron other than the spider thing (you can’t have two people in a relationship who are afraid of bugs). He kind of reminds me of Clay from Becca’s season, and he turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Devin, 27, Talent Manager
With a profession like “talent manager”, Devin is actually the guy Hannah B should choose because he would probably help her career go the distance. In any case, Devin “loves being in love,” which is code for “has deep-seated issues of some kind and is a serial monogamist”. Devin’s two friends are his 8-year-old stepbrother and Wills, so it’s good to see that the ladies aren’t the only ones who can finesse their friends to get on The Bachelorette. I just hope he doesn’t pull a Tia and can learn to read signals!
Dustin, 30, Real Estate Broker
Now, I am a woman who loves a man with a nose ring (perhaps because all my favorite male rappers have nose rings), and even I know that Dustin is barking up completely the wrong tree with Hannah B. Hannah B probably thinks black pepper is too spicy; I just do not see her being into a guy with a nose ring. But good luck, Dusty! Dustin, BTW, “can beat anyone in a game of Jenga,” so you know his pull-out game is strong.
Dylan, 24, Tech Entrepreneur
I’m sorry, what is with the casting of actual men-children on this show? Dylan notes that the majority of his friends are women, which I feel like is a fair trade-off if Hannah ends up choosing him. Like, he competed for her affections for 10 weeks, and she’d be competing for his attention for the rest of her life.
Garrett, 27, Golf Pro
Dean Unglert, is that you? You can’t come back here! Can anyone who follows gold (@Dad) confirm how much of a “pro” this guy actually is? Garrett is “a humble country boy enjoying life in Alabama” who “enjoys going to church, running and drinking beers with his friends.” All that’s missing is a fish in his dating app profile. Now, they did not specifically say that buttermilk runs through his veins and his parents are biscuits and grits, respectively, but that’s why I’m here: to read between the lines.
Grant, 30, Unemployed
Oof. You know what? At least, unlike all these other clowns, Grant is actually being honest about his current occupation. However, most of his sentences reveal that Garrett is a f*cking prick.
Exhibit A: “he has no interest in hearing about your CrossFit workout plan or recent Instagram post.”
Grant, who hurt you?
Exhibit B: “Grant has a hard time believing that any young guy who comes on ‘The Bachelorette’ is ‘here for the right reasons,’ and he plans to call them out on it.”
But sir! Do you understand where you are? Do we need to call a doctor?
Hunter, 24, Pro Surfer
Hunter is a pro surfer and can wax poetic about the waves, which seems great and all, but the real takeaway you need to know is that he lives with his parents. And if he were not only 24, I would be a lot more upset by that fact. But I feel like Hunter is either going to lead with that piece of info and come off as a weirdo, or hide it, only to have it blow up in his face later, like Bekah M’s age. Can’t wait to find out which one.
Jed, 25, Singer/Songwriter
Oh boy. Jed is here for one thing and one thing only: exposure. I can only hope he is less of a human dumpster fire than the last singer/songwriters to grace The Bachelorette, James Taylor and Luke Pell. It’s a high bar we’ve got here! Anyway, Jed “can rap Nicki Minaj’s part in ‘Bottoms Up’ flawlessly,” which is a humble brag I would tell people at like, drunk karaoke, but not all of America. It’s the definition of “weird flex, but ok.”
Joe, 30, “The Box King”
I’m sorry…. what? What does this mean? Is it like Bob Vance, of Bob Vance Refrigeration? Oh, it means exactly what we think: Joe is “killing it in the family cardboard box business.” And I just have to wonder what exactly that means? As long as people continue to move and buy refrigerators, the cardboard box business will stay afloat. Joe “enjoys going to Vegas and club-hopping. He is also a whiz on the blackjack and craps tables.” Somebody say yikes. This is like a plot point of a mob movie waiting to happen.
Joey, 33, Finance Manager
Yeah, this guy looks exactly like a Joey. How you doin’?
Joey leads with this: “Joey spent his 20s having adventures and starting his career.” Hannah, I hope you got the HPV vaccine, girl.
John Paul Jones, 24, John Paul Jones
Okay, so apparently this dude is a “financial analyst” in Maryland, and yet for some reason, he is using his full name as his profession. Can we do that now? Because if so, I am changing my job title to “Sgt. Olivia Betchson”, effective immediately. This guy REQUIRES that you always call him by his name—his full name. All three names of it. I mean this from the bottom of my heart: f*ck this guy.
Jonathan, 27, Server
I guess they wouldn’t let this guy put “aspiring DiffEyewear model” on his bio? Jonathan loves partying, but really his favorite part is getting ready, which either means he’s full of himself or he is like me and only likes the idea of clubs until he gets there and remembers he’s going to spend a night yelling in everyone’s ears and getting beer spilled on him and getting jostled by drunk white girls. But back to Jonathan. He loves sparklers, which is a sentence I have never seen written before in all of the English language. Congrats on that, Jonathan! I majored in English in college, so that is really saying a lot.
Kevin, 27, Behavioral Health Specialist
Oh, I cannot WAIT for Kevin to bust out the big words like “emotional intelligence” and “Briggs Myers” on these fools. Kevin claims his past relationships haven’t worked out because he “loves too hard,” which is setting off some alarm bells. Like, I feel like that’s what children say when they don’t understand pain and accidentally squeeze their hamsters to death. When you couple that with the fact that this guy l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y won’t go anywhere that doesn’t have a gym, I just get the mental image that he’s the type of dude who tells his girlfriends what they can and can’t wear. But I hope I’m wrong and Kevin is a great guy!
Luke P., 24, Export Manager
Here’s a sentence that perked my ears up: “After a religious awakening in college, Luke decided that when he dates, it’s for marriage.” I’m calling it now, this dude’s a born-again virgin. He even looks like Colton!! I feel like how Hollywood is running out of movie ideas so they keep remaking the same old stuff, only with men.
Luke S., 29, Political Consultant
Baby Nick Viall, reporting for duty. I actually also though Jed looked like Nick, but Luke S. is more of a dead ringer. Or have I been writing this for so long that all white men are starting to look the same at this point? It’s hard to tell. Luke’s claim to fame is that he once hit on Emily Ratajkowski, which is a pretty low bar for a flex. Like, the same could be said for every single person who comments on her Instagrams, but sure. Lead with that!
Matt Donald, 26, Medical Device Salesman
I always say, never trust a man with two names (let alone three—looking right at you, JPJ). Now, here, I have less of a problem with Matt Donald himself and more with ABC and their editorializing. Here is the crime they committed:
“Matt’s brother and parents are deaf, and he grew up speaking sign language. We love a man that can communicate what he’s thinking with his hands without ever saying a word, and we think Hannah will too.”
Wow, ABC. Wow. That was very sweet, and a nice and informative bit of family history, and you just took it and made it creepy. Why did you do that?? If, in real life, you ever encounter someone who sexualizes ASL, please call the police.
Matteo, 25, Management Consultant
Guys. Guys. Matteo is “a sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families.” Is that what they are calling “being broke in college” these days? On a totally unrelated note, anyone know if sperm donors are required to pay child support? Because if so, I need to make some calls…
Matthew, 23, Car Bid Spotter
I have no idea what that job title means, so whatever. It’s both very ambiguous and completely self-explanatory. Matthew is “into the ink” which nobody with a tattoo has ever said. ABC has done it again! He grew up on his family’s winery, and has immediately become my favorite person. Choose this child, Hannah! Think of the wine!
Mike, 31, Portfolio Manager
Mike—here we go— “has a lot of swag but is a romantic at heart”. He is also “a city boy who loves to get down and dirty”. I guess the bright side of Mike being on The Bachelorette is that for at least a week there will be one less f*ckboy on Tinder.
Peter, 27, Pilot
Two pilots on this show, huh? Why do I feel like the first group date is going to involve skydiving? Oh, probably because of the pilots and the fact that every single one of these answers has involved skydiving. Think outside the box, people!! In any case, Peter decided to lead in his bio with the fact that his grandma’s name is Rose. Like… okay, you and everybody whose grandparents were born before 1945? Congrats?
Ryan, 25, Roller Boy
Roller boy? Oh honey, no. I am truly confused, because later on, ABC reveals he is actually a data analyst. AND he is also a tightrope walker? I don’t know what to think. Here we have a man of many talents. Weird, obscure talents, but talents nonetheless.
Scott, 28, Software Sales Executive
Every season has at least one guy who literally looks like some random dude they picked off the street right before filming in a pinch. This season, Scott is that guy. He likes “day drinking with his buds on rooftops” and also watches sports. If Scott had a color, it would be gray. His spirit animal is a pigeon. Scott is Every Man. Be like Scott—no, wait, we’re all already exactly like Scott.
Thomas, 27, International Pro Basketball Player
Not to be a d*ck (I am about to be a d*ck), but doesn’t being an international pro basketball player mean that you weren’t good enough for the NBA? Sorry, just gotta keep it real over here. Thomas has never introduced a girl to his family before, which is sure to be a major plot point if he makes it this far. His nickname in basketball (and in life, I am sure) was Mr. Fourth Quarter. Let’s see if he can close the deal! ABC should really hire me for that one. Just saying. I offer a very competitive rate.
Tyler C., 25, General Contractor
Does anyone else get Thomas Ravenel vibes from Tyler? Look-wise, not behavior-wise, I can only hope. Tyler has an MBA and was drafted by the Baltimore Ravens, which is actually impressive to me considering I know who they are. ABC opens Tyler’s bio with “Don’t let his good looks fool you,” which like, I wasn’t.
Tyler G., 28, Psychology Graduate Student
Tyler G. hates clubs and goes to Soul Cycle, meaning he will fit right in with most of our female friends. No shade intended, just stating the facts! However, where shade is intended is the fact that this guy feels the need to note that he adheres to a strict Keto diet. Have you ever seen a more classic Tyler move in your life? I predict this guy is going to have a mental breakdown on day two when his macros are all off because they are only feeding him hot dog buns and Champagne.