After every season of Are You The One?, I think to myself while laughing maniacally, “I may have just eaten an entire large pizza all by myself, but at least I have my life together more than these Girls Gone Wild rejects,” followed quickly by, “SURELY they’re never going to renew this live-action dumpster fire again, will they?” And then every season I. AM. WRONG. Not about the pizza, of course, but definitely about the show getting renewed. Year after year, MTV continues to prove to me that they do not care one bit about ratings, critics, or decency standards, and keep on making a show where contestants regularly lick chocolate syrup off each other’s nipples. Not all heroes wear capes. And now, MTV is breaking barriers with season 8 of their drunk social experiment “dating show” by casting the first sexually fluid reality dating competition in the United States. Damn, MTV is over here making history, and ABC still refuses to cast the first black Bachelor. Ball’s in your court, Mike Fleiss!
So what does having a sexually fluid cast mean? I’m not quite sure, but I think it’s fair to assume that instead of just the men and women sneaking off together to the bare mattresses haphazardly thrown on the floor by an MTV intern, everybody will be f*cking. And now we get to take a look at this groundbreaking cast! I’m sure they’ll make history in more ways that just their sexuality—perhaps they will also be the first reality TV cast to all share the same STD. Or maybe they will cure cancer! Who can say? (They won’t cure cancer.)
Aasha Wells, 22
Aasha is from Miami Beach and just graduated with a degree in Communication and Journalism from Florida International University. She wants to be a TV journalist, so I really hope she doesn’t engage in a threesome in the boom boom room because that will probably hurt her chances of becoming a Today Show anchor. Not exactly something you want on your sizzle reel.
Amber Martinez, 23
Amber is cute, but I swear I’ve seen this girl on every single previous season of Are You The One?. Her name was definitely Kayla last time. And Alivia. And Cam. And Jenna. And you get the point.
Basit Shittu, 25
Now that I’ve sent Basit’s picture to my coworker for Mermaid Parade inspo, I can confidently say that Basit is the one everyone will go to for outfits when they throw the theme parties. Having a jungle party? He’s got something for that. Having a Beyoncé party? He’s got something for that. Having a ’90s party? He’s got something for that!!
Brandon Davis, 25
Brandon’s official cast photo is cute, but I have many, many questions about this photo I found on his Instagram:
Me after listening to “Old Town Road” one time. No but actually, I’m calling the police.
Danny Prikazsky, 27
So Danny is clearly the nerd of the group. But he did post a picture of an entire box of donuts on Instagram that he was rewarding himself with for hitting a weight loss goal, so I think we have the same disordered eating habits. Now I’m rooting for him. Danny, I hope you find love for all of us f*cked up eaters!
Jasmine Olson, 21
Jasmine revealed on Instagram that she’ll be on this season of Are You The One? by saying “I wasn’t out getting botox, friends!” I’m sure once your friends see that your perfect match is a dude or lady that works at a mall kiosk and has rage issues, they’re gonna wish you were just getting botox.
Jenna Brown, 25
Jenna looks like she wants to shove me into a locker. No problem, Jenna! I see you coming, I’ll just jump in here myself! Same place, same time, tomorrow?
Jonathan Monroe, 28
Okay news flash, Jonathan—you’re not Tarzan. You’re not even George of the Jungle. Get a f*cking haircut.
Justinavery Palm, 24
Justin is one of the many men from this season who has posted pics of himself on Instagram with a purse. They are clearly the accessory of this Are You The One? season. Well, purses or leather chokers, it could go either way.
Kai Wes, 26
Kai Wes looks like one of Edward Cullen’s cousins that showed up at the end of the series to take on that rival vampire gang. You’re about eight years too late, Kai! They already won!
Kari Snow, 23
Kari is a “Harley Cosplayer.” Oh, honey. Getting dressed up in a shirt that says “Daddy’s Little Monster” and paddling someone on the ass with a baseball bat to spice up your sex life doesn’t qualify as cosplay. But it does apparently earn you nearly 35k Instagram followers, so maybe she knows something I don’t.
Kylie Smith, 24
Kylie looks like a model, so she’s definitely the one everyone will be fighting over. Or at least the one they’re fighting to do a body shot off of.
Max Gentile, 25
Judging from his Instagram, Max appears to be very into the rave scene, which makes me think his personality has to be the stuff of my nightmares. He’s definitely the guy who took one for the team and smuggled the drugs through airport security.
Nour Fraij, 25
Nour is yet another Jersey girl in this cast. What is it with my home state and trashy reality TV? I promise you it’s not a law that we have to degrade ourselves on a Z-list show at least once before we hit 30. Or is it? Do I have a bench warrant out for my arrest?
Paige Cole, 21
Paige looks like someone who would lecture me for using a plastic straw. If you’re that against them, Paige, please don’t look in my top desk drawer. I’ve got enough straws wipe out all the sea turtles in the Atlantic. Whoops!
Remy Duran, 27
Remy is wearing a mesh T-shirt with a silver chain necklace, so that’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.
And those are our contestants this year! I’m skeptical that this will work, but excited to see it all go down in flames. Are You The One? season 8 airs on June 26th at 9/8 central. See you there!
Images: MTV (17), officialbrandondavis / Instagram