39. Twitter

So like, we get that at first everyone thought Twitter was retarded. We admit it, we were those people too. (I mean, how lame are Facebook status updates? And now there’s a whole website devoted to them? Yuck!) We know that nothing sounds lamer than a website that only lets you talk in 140 characters at a time. Betches' thoughts are wayyyy too complex to be subject to limits like that. Limits are for nice girls and poor people.

But then something happened. One day we realized that twitter was the shit and we just had to make one because all of our friends did. We were afraid that people were #1 talking shit about us on a medium we didn’t even have access to. We had to get involved. And now there’s no turning back. As soon as we created our betchy username, threw in an inspirational quote under our bio (I love music, laughing, random bits of knowledge, and Diet Coke!), and realized that people literally follow you, we were hooked.

So what makes twitter so amazing, other than the fact that it’s a narcissist’s dream?


twitter birdHow do I teach this bird to say slut?


1) Twitter Wars:

Talking shit on AIM was so 2003, and only a fucking loser calls someone out on Facebook. Twitter is the perfect instrument for passive-aggressive #28 betch brawls. So maybe we’ve all been making fun of Kelly because she gained some #5 weight. You would never write “@kelly is a fat cunt.” Obvi. Instead, what funnier way is there to rehash our inside joke than by tweeting about it using #9 nicknames and @mentioning all of our besties except for her! Still betches, watch what you tweet, because the Tweet and Delete is okay in theory, but it’s already been out there for everyone and their Twitter-for-Blackberries to see. No one wants to add excessive shit-talking tweets to their list of #13 Sunday morning regrets.

2) Letting the world know that you’re hot shit:

“Just checked into Four Seasons Maui! Sitting next to @chelseahandler at dinner! #NowEveryoneKnowsHowRichIAm #ImBetterThanYou.

If you go somewhere cool, and you don’t tweet something funny about you and your besties being at “the hottest new restaurant!!” then you might as well have not even been there. Unless you’re #6 muploading, of course.

3) Keeping up with the news:

We know what you’re thinking. Betches don’t #2 keep up with the news. With Twitter, all of that is about to change! Even the most ignorant betches can now be in the know. Fuck the New York Times, Twitter provides a quick and handy tool for us to find out what’s going on, in case our parents call us and want to talk about something serious. If Kourtney Kardashian’s tweet, “Wow!! Ding dong the witch is dead! #osama,” hadn’t prompted us to turn on the tv to find some really #27 tan guy giving a speech about how Osama bin Laden died, we probably would’ve just assumed she was happy that her bitchy Middle Eastern manicurist finally quit.

So betches, if you don’t have a Twitter you should make one ASAP, because you’re only as cool as the number of people who follow you on Twitter that you don’t follow back. #betchesluvthis



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