Betches can’t rave enough about how much we love good weather. Other than the obvious benefits like #27 tanning and being able to show off our pedicure, one of the most underrated perks of good weather is that the sun being out calls for a betch to whip out her favorite accessory. Sunglasses.
Something about wearing sunglasses draws out your inner betch more than ever. Maybe it’s that wearing sunglasses fulfills a betch’s subtle inner desire to be shady, maybe some betches’ eyes are just really photosensitive. Maybe it’s the hope that you’ll be mistaken for a celebrity hiding from the papparazzi. Who knows. All we know is that if you don’t own multiple pairs of shades that cover at least two-thirds of your face, you’re definitely not a betch.
So why are sunglasses arguably a betch’s most important accessory?
Vibe: Wearing a huge pair of sunglasses is a statement. We know we say this all the time, but nothing says fuck off like a massive pair of Tom Ford or Chanel sunglasses. Not only do huge sunglasses scream, “I’m fucking important, bitch. Move out of my way or I’ll spill my gigantic iced coffee on your head,” but they also tell the world, “I’m really fucking wealthy and therefore better than you.”
Appearance: The fact that sunglasses make everybody look better is as indisputable as gravity. But every betch has their own sunglasses style that expresses her personality. Are you going to pretend you’re a classy betch like Audrey Hepburn or pretend you’re a unique betch in your one-of-a-kind Wayfarers? Also, what betch hasn’t been insanely tired and hungover, dragging their ass out of bed but making sure to throw on their sunglasses so that their puffy eyes are hidden behind shades that say, “I’m in a mood, bitch, and it’s 9 am. Leave me the fuck alone.”
Avoiding people: Much like the #41 fake smile, a betch’s sunglasses are yet another weapon against having to interact with people we don’t want anything to do with. Suddenly the fact that your eyes are covered with plastic black lenses ensures that you will never have to make eye contact with, and therefore acknowledge, anyone you don’t want to. Even if you literally pass someone you know on the street.
Oh sorry, I was wearing my sunglasses so I didn’t see you!
Yeah fucking right. Sunglasses make shit darker, not fucking invisible.
There are some people who wear sunglasses for their traditional use, to block the sun from their eyes. We don’t know these people but we assume they’re ugly. There are also people who go the opposite route and wear sunglasses indoors or when it’s extremely cloudy or raining out. If these people aren’t blind, they’re most definitely huge assholes (The Situation, for example) and you should stay away from them.
So betches, since we can’t literally go around with a huge sign on our backs that reads “I’m pissed off and better looking than you,” huge sunglasses provide the next best statement. Remember, never underestimate the power of dark shades. The darker the lens, the easier it is to judge the people you’re with.