Revenge is really throwing us off lately. Sometimes I even feel like I'm watching a real show and not a Spanish soap opera. How are they doing this? Don't they know we have a business of making fun of this show to run? Whatevs, we'll work with what we've got. Namely, Ashley.
With very few irrational plot lines to talk shit about, they threw us a bone by giving us this rando British party planner who apparently woke up yesterday and decided to try her hand at criminal PR. Why does everyone on this show think it's okay to just switch careers whenever they want – remember the divorce lawyer who was also a terrorist prosecutor? Why is everyone going for this? Why did the lawyer tell her the screen loves her? No one loves her, Emanda doesn't even care to use her anymore in the revenge scheme. Remember they were besties? Fall out!!! Simple Life 3!
Let's talk about how in this episode, not only did Emandy's revenge come through, but so did our feelings. Someone please just leave Daniel alone! Even Vic said it, jail is no place for a boy like Daniel. But honestly, where the fuck did this judge come from, and who gave her the right to send a gorgeous face like that to Rikers? The all-powerful Suffolk County Court?
Charlotte's drug problem is like, a huge joke. If you're shadily trying to “get high” off pills, as your boyfriend and his chastity belt puts it, you don't keep the pills in your fucking pocket protector, you hide them in your aspirin bottle like our moms do.
In the flashbacks…you know the ones where they try to make everyone look younger by giving the screen a bluish hue…the way Connie tells Vic he's responsible for Flight 197 DEFINES casual. Listen Vic, I've been laundering money for the people who are responsible for killing all those innocent people…sooo like now I'm probs going to jail for life while you raise Daniel in a Park Avenue um..alley. Oh and we're out of milk.
Back to the ruse that is the ambiguously-raced assistant with a proclivity toward mentally unstable gingers, who's apparently the perfect candidate to publicly represent the Graysons, Ashley…
Wouldn't you think they'd be able to afford someone who actually does PR and not a sub-par party planner? Pretty sure not even a single one of Ashley's parties hasn't been a complete disaster, and that's her ACTUAL profession. Now go get Vic some iced coff, she's under a lot of pressure. Wait..do you think Ash is trying fuck
Carl Winslow the lawyer? It awl makes sense naow.
Do we think Nole-dog is shadily really upset that Tyler is dead? After all, they had such a connection…bonding over their love of electronics and large erections.
Emandy and Vic have seen lots of bros get arrested on that porch, j saying.
What does Nolan do all day? Taking up as a professional chiller? Dolphin watcher? Asian-Billionaire fucker?
What was Victoria's engagement present? Juice maker? An original Degas? A sex swing? There's no way Emanda wouldn't open that shit like immediately. She knows she's not dealing with the fucking mom from Leave it To Beaver. There's more likely to be a grenade in there than a bagel cutter from Williams-Sonoma.
The judge at Daniel's hearing is a major j. First of all, denying bail because someone's rich is definitely illegal, but anyway, can't the Graysons just pay her off like COME ON. Perhaps they're saving up for a new PR team.
But really do you know the kind of people who go to Rikers? Some famous alumni include Lil Wayne, Tupac, DMX, and the guy who killed John Lennon. We hope Dannyboy returns from his jail stint with a record label about how redheads ain't nothing but tricks and hoes.
Eulogy to the Red Sharpie: We were depressed to learn that Red Sharpie has been fired for creative differences with the producers; who, in an effort to make a more diversified cast, hired a black lawyer, a black cop, and a black Sharpie. We can only hope to see Red Sharpie again on like, Pretty Little Liars, or maybe making an appearance on Emily Maynard's fantasy suite cards. It's rumored that he's dating one of the LG phones from the Gossip Girl cast but we can neither confirm nor deny. Regardless, we miss you Red Sharpie, but something tells us you're watching the show and thinking “shit this scene with Emanda getting beaten by the Asian freakishly resembles Kill Bill 2.” We know Sharpie, we agree. Hope to see you at next year's Emmy's.