47. Pick up Lines

As a betch, there will inevitably be a wide array of guys who will hit on you. The good, the bad, and the really fucking boring. You’re out at the bar, and you see that guy. Maybe you’ve him seen him before, maybe you haven’t? After a few minutes of casual eye-fucking (Side note: if you’re smiling while eye-fucking, you’re not eye-fucking. He just thinks you’re a freak.), he obviously comes over to you.

You give him the once-over. If he’s wearing Crocs, or like, those ugly ass Tevas, you briefly consider talking to him before you decide to tell him to go back to the boondocks where he belongs. Then you #9 nickname him Billy Ray Cyrus.

tevasThis guy is definitely great in bed…

If he looks presentable, you decide to bestow upon him the honor of coming onto you. Don’t be too quick to only accept the extremely hot guys, although there will be many of those. These guys are usually pretty cocky and obnoxious and you know that you might not have a shot at completely manipulating them. Here’s a hint: the more money he needs to spend on you, the less interesting he probably is.

If you go too shallow, you might miss out on a potentially #19 ugly hot bro. (Although, the true ugly hot guy is aware of his physical limitations, so he will already know how to surpass your shock that anyone less than perfect would have the balls to come onto you.) Also, you want the bro to be dressed nice, but not too nice. If he’s wearing Prada shoes you might be on the one-way train to becoming someone’s beard.

Once you’re past the initial evaluation of his physical features, you leave him an opening for the pick up line. Now betches, a pick up line can tell you a lot about someone. Here are a few scenarios, and how you should approach them:

“Why don’t you have a drink in your hand?”

Betches will pretty much take a drink from any guy with two legs and a pulse. It’s simply un-betchy and in poor form to reject an opportunity to get more fucked up. Nothing kills your libido more than having to reach for your wallet at the bar. Assuming the guy isn’t on the list of local sex offenders, you accept his offer. You may now allot him the time it takes for the bartender to hand you a drink, giving him the chance to impress you enough that he’ll be around for its consumption.

“You’re so beautiful.”

This line, and its variations, is relatively nauseating and definitely one of our least favorites. Yes, it will work for the insecure / borderline attractive betch. But the truly hot betch already knows she’s gorg and his statement of the obvious does not earn him any insight points. Would a journalist write an exposé about the grass being green?


Walk away. Even if he’s joking, no.

“Why do you look so miserable?”

This could go one of two ways. If you’re actually pissed off, you’ll either roll your eyes or spit out a rude comment. Why the fuck are you talking to me? If, on the other hand, this is just your natural fuck-off vibe at work, he has just started a discussion about one of your favorite topics. This guy has your attention until he begins to talk about himself. Stay tuned to find out how lucrative his job is.


Let the mind games begin. He said hello but he didn’t ask how I was! Do you think he’s into me?! This one is pretty simple. This signifies that either he’s convinced that his looks will suffice, or that he is actually capable of maintaining a conversation. The betch is intrigued. Oh the mystery! Bro has just earned another 90 seconds of your time.

A bro presenting his pick up line at a bar is much like a court jester entertaining a queen at her palace. Betches are often bored. What better way is there to spend an evening than allowing ourselves to be amused by whomever is fortunate enough to cross our path? So bros, be mindful of your pick up lines, because if your first impression is a shitty one, it will be your last…unless you are rich, royal, or like, really mean to us.

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