132. New Year’s Eve

As Decembetch comes to an end betches everywhere begin to reflect on the year that’s just passed. Who got a boyfriend this year? How much more fun was Spring Break this year than last? How weird was it when that girl from high school’s porno went viral? While nice girls sit at home and order textbooks for next semester while planning their next family trip to Disney Land, betches prepare to end the year with a big blackout bang, on New Year’s Eve.

Betches love NYE because it’s like the world’s biggest party. Some people say this night is usually a let down. We say they were just too sober.

This is a night to dress up like you’re on the fucking Titanic and party hard with all of your friends. The reason this night is different than others is that people drink more champagne than usual and balls drop. Just like any episode of Teen Mom 2.


However there’s always a downside. Like with Halloween, you can’t avoid the freak shows that come out. For some reason December 31 rings some alarm for all nice girls to come out from behind their desks, drink a glass of Perrier-Jouet and cry because they didn’t get a new year’s kiss. Honestly, we blame Cinderella. Who goes out on New Year’s looking for true love when what you really should be looking for is how to get more drunk? Anyway, as a betch the party you’ll be attending will be so expensive that you won’t have to see any of those poor nice people anyway.

What New Year’s should represent is the circle of life, starting the new year in the same fashion in which you were born, not remembering anything. If it’s true the way you celebrate New Year’s Eve determines how you spend the rest of the year, then betches have no fear. Being blackout and well dressed is a perfect recipe for a great 2012.

A true betch plans her NYE night in advance as to make sure she has the most original and hottest dress and is celebrating at a place where girls who think it’s acceptable to wear skirts up to their knees can’t and won’t get in.

snookiHow do we get on this?

Let’s talk about resolutions and why they’re fucking stupid. Here’s the thing, people who suck should change, and those who have their lives in control shouldn’t. Like fine, some of us may want to make a resolution to drink less this year because your habits are starting to impede your short term memory, but that can’t be a NYE resolution if you tell yourself this all year round, fucking duh. When people try and draft New Year’s resolutions, they’re really making pledges to on how to be more like us, i.e. “Lose weight” “Be rich” “Care less.” So like, resolutions out, celebrating being amazing in.

So betches, if you were good this year at not having sex with bros, give yourself this one night and do whatever the fuck you want, hook up, get drunk, and make fun of your bestie who chose to stay in to spend a “quiet night” with her boyfriends’ parents.

And to all the younger betches, tell your parents that New Year’s Eve is one of the safest nights for a betch to blackout because if lost, she’ll always leave a trail of sequins that fell from her dress behind her.



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