New Girl Recap: I make him put on black shawl, pretend he’s grandma

I'm not sure if you'd all agree, but had this episode been lacking one malnourished Ruski slut, it would have been gotten just a 'MEH' on our New Girl episode funniness scale. Yeah this scale exists, we just made it up. But TG for Cece's Russian roommate because from about 9-9:30 she had me rolling around in my bed uncontrollably laughing like a fucking retard on a slip and slide.

On the other hand, everything that happened during the episode was setting up for things that we've always wanted to happen soooo we can't really complain. Let's see:

new girl tomatoesThis part made us really uncomfortable


Nick decides to temporarily replace women with gardening. Deflowering is like, so empowering. He gets mad dirt on his clothing and grows a beard that brings attention to his misshapen nose. Yet, he still manages to pull off 'Mexican-hot'. You look like one of those people who come out of the ground in the Thriller video.

Jess wears a disgusting high-waisted red polka dot bikini in which she holds her boyfriend's ex wife, Ouli's, naked body in a sauna. Ouli does not care. Instead she is more interested in the native Spanish tongue. I'd like the quethadilla…grathiath.

Jess later breaks up with Russell because passion is missing in their relationship but we think it's because she'd rather be treated like shit by a younger guy than treated nicely by this old fuck. Perhaps she's betchier than we thought………nah.

Cece breaks up with Schmidt because she has a crush on him. For revenge, Schmidt goes on a date with Cece's roommate whose accent is indecipherably entertaining.

Schmidt: Sooo, how do you like #63 America? Nadia: I like salad bar, despicable me, tosh 2.0, connect 4, freedom of speech, David Fincher, sidewalk, I like 1800 slim, yo momma jokes, strawberry, Wilma Valmamama, Leon J. Panetta, ice skating fo fun, not to save life. [Nadia laughs as Schmidt eats a piece of cheese] Schmidt: What are you laughing at? Nadia: Cheese is foh mouse. Are you mc mouse? Why don't you get in your space ship like mc mouse. Schmidt: What is mc mouse? Nadia: MC MOUSE Schmidt: Are you saying mickey..mouse? Nadia: Yes Schmidt: In America, mickey mouse is earth bound. Nadia: Let's do sex party..i sex you in fess. Schmidt: You're gonna sex me in the face?!


new girl tomatoesIf you don't want to look at my face Jess…THEN LOOK AT MY ASS!


Schmidt has sex with the commi, she breaks his penis with her right-angled vagina. But all is well because Cece confesses that she really likes him to which he responds…

I like you too but OMG my penis is having a heart attack ….call a nurse, call a male nurse…probably a heavy set male nurse would be nice… describe it to them as like a battered highway cone!!

Winston – again, zero fucking clue.

As I think you'll all agree that this ep was dece at best. But we can confidently say that this means next week's will be great solely because Jess will come to realize she's madly in love with Nick and we'll get to learn more things that turn Schmidt on other than freshly baked bread.

Last week's recap>>



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