92. Love Triangles

As a betch, having many bros who are in constant pursuit of you can get tough at times. What happens when two bros you've been trying to keep #53 shady from each other suddenly cross paths? Or some other betch is trying to get her hands on your #89 back burner bro? How do you show the world that NO ONE tampers with your playing pieces?

The love triangle is a major part of the #32 game and it's definitely something betches love and hate and love to hate. The details of every love triangle are different but they all come down to the same things: competition and manipulation of multiple others.


lovetrianglesWhat is it with vampires and love triangles?


And obvi since betches have a deep appreciation for drama, love triangles make great vehicles for #1 talking shit. There's no quicker way to land yourself on someone's #25 WYDEL than to be the betch who's fucking some other betch's ex. Have a lot of fucking fun with that one.

Still, love triangles get complicated, and betches hate nothing more than being in situations that might make us emotional, or pretend we are. We'd rather do our own laundry.

Here's how to play the love triangle game like a betch:

Object of the game: to win, fucking duh.

Let's be clear, a love triangle only exists for as long as all involved parties care.

To reiterate, winning = not caring. So either you make sure you're the first to fold, or you make sure you're the one with the new hot, billionaire. The winner is the one who ends the game, plain and simple.

Game pieces: You need 3 people who all give a shit about each other, with only 2 it's like every single episode featuring Ronnie and Sammi from Jersey Shore. Relationship drama gets really old really fast when only two people give a shit.

The Jealousy Card: There can sometimes be other “players” used to make the others jealous to help you win, but they're usually disposable, not always useful, and possibly ugly.

Some jealousy cards are more powerful than others. A true betch knows exactly which to play and when in order to push any given bro's buttons. Maybe there's a guy you know he hates or that's obviously way cooler than him. Likewise, no one's going to give a shit when you start fucking the school mascot or some 40 year old.

Apathy Card: The key to winning. You act like you don't care, you're on top. Maybe you truly don't care, or maybe the whole situation is giving you anxiety attacks. Whatever it may be, just remember, no tears in public. Save that shit for your mom or your guidance counselor.

There are two versions of the game.

The “He's just not that into you” Triangle: 2 girls, 1 guy

Bottom Line: He's just not that into either of you, because if he was he'd be with one of you.

The Best Move: When faced with a one-guy love triangle, the strategy is to play the straight-up Apathy Card, fake or not. Doesn't matter. You're a betch, you don't fucking compete with anyone. You're done with both of them. In this case, if you're going to ever have any chance of outdoing this other girl it will happen right away. If this bro intends to date you ever it will be now, when he realizes you're not putting up with any of his shit and can probably easily do better. At this point you can say yes or no, meaning you're in control.

The Losing Tactic: is to compete. Many times a betch on either side of the triangle will do everything she can to impress this bro, showing that she is hotter and cooler than the other betch. We have these friends, let's call them Jen, Brad, and Angie. Jen was all annoying, being like “ohhh my career, oh my god babies, oh my god Brad.” And Angie was just off doing her own thing curing polio in Ethiopia and collecting livers on the black market in Cambodia. All of the sudden, look who shows up in Africa to declare his love and adopt her third world kids!? It's Brad. And it's because Angie showed she had better shit to do.

Our point: no one likes a needy bitch. No matter how hot you are he doesn't give a shit that you looked #5 skinny in US Weekly in your Herve Leger. Nor is he going to take you back because you're pretending you chilled out after dating John Mayer.

Also, many girls in this situation will attempt to do things to establish a “claim” over a bro, be it because she fucked him first, she's in love with him, blah blah blah, he sent her that one drunken I miss you BBM 6 months ago, whatever. No, just no. This is the worst thing you could ever do because the bro will resent this without a doubt, and it will backfire because no betch wants to feel like she's under the control of some other dumb bitch. It may make her want him more, and same for him liking her. You just played all your cards showed emotion and now you're out, loser.

The Semi-Slutty Triangle: 2 guys, 1 girl


lovetriangleLindsay was so fed up with this love triangle that she went the other way


Disclaimer: Fucking two bros in the same #86 frat does not a love triangle make. Just because they both fucked you and high-fived each other while laughing about how many times you've texted them after doesn't mean you're in a love triangle. If you think you are, that's #70 delusional dater status. Being a whore doesn't qualify you for participation in a love triangle, it makes you boxed.

The Best Move: Sit back and enjoy the show. Although it will produce anxiety, given the possibility of these two bros being in a place of direct competition, there's also lots of potential for interesting drama and possibly really entertaining shit like drunken bar fights over you, or unexpected gifts. Nothing affirms your betchiness more than guys expressing their obsession with you the best way they know how: by punching some other guy in the face. I just can't choose which one I like more!!

While we know it's possible to have feelings for two people, there is always always always someone you like more. The fact that this person can change over time is what makes this the game. That's what bros get for not locking you down earlier. Now your stock is up and and he's going to have to do some serious insider trading to be able to afford it.

Losing Move: trying to have your cake and eat it too. Never works. You're a betch but you can only get away with so much before you do something really fucked up, like telling two guys you're exclusive with both of them and they find out about each other. Or you could end up like Jessica from True Blood, with Hoyt and Jason. Neither one of them wanted to deal with her shit, so she lost hard to both.

If a betch has feelings anywhere inside her, and, like the Grinch's Jenny Humphrey taught us, everyone has a heart somewhere deep inside, she learns from love triangles and realizes despite all the fun, drama, and excitement, the monogamy thing will save you a lot of money on therapist appointments. Participation in the love triangle game often leaves you sad, alone, and with a supporting role in Horrible Bosses.


<< #91 Tennis

#93 Sexual Mapping >>


More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches