138. I Meeaannn

Like we've said before, being a betch can be challenging in that we often have to deal with outsiders who don't get us. These are the people who don't appreciate our cunning sarcasm or think it's rude to text someone while speaking to someone else in person, or who can't fathom why we wear Australian pillows for shoes. You think growing up in an orphanage is rough, try living in a place where the closest froyo shop is 15 minutes away. Talk about a hard knock fucking life.

Our point is that living in such close quarters with the ordinary forces us to explain our habits to the ignorant and confused. Kind of like when John Smith had to teach the Native Americans how to not eat with a fork and knife, betches have to share their technological advancements as well. With that we give you another lesson in civilized betchy linguistics.

At first glance the phrase “I mean” appears standard, most people use it to convey a point or their meaning, we think. But as you learned in post #121 “casual” most words in the English dictionary rarely parallel their definition in the betch dictionary.

You see, “I mean” is not your mother yelling at you to stop having parties when your parents are on vaca followed by an angry “I MEAN IT!” That might be how people have used “I mean” for centuries, but since when is that a justification to keep doing it? I mean…do you still use BBM?

gagaI meeann…these are the Grammys not a small zoo


When we say “I mean,” not only do we not mean what we're saying, but we don't pronounce it the regular way either. Our way takes about three times longer to pronounce and is about 20 times more passive aggressive.

All together now: “I meeeeeeaaannnn…”

Drawing out the -eeaannnn for a solid 3-4 seconds suggests you are definitely not going to fucking explain what you mean. But like any complex betchy phrase, “I mean” has a few connotations to explore.

Most often it's an expression of reluctance. You'll say it before you are about to give into something you don't really want to do. For example…

When your friend asks you to borrow your blazer:

Hey can I borrow that blazer?

Uh..I can't say no because I've worn it before but I'm deathly afraid that you might break the seams with your overbearing back fat.

“I meeeeannn….I guessssss.”

[Note the extra S's at the end of “guess” which are intended to give her more time to realize you're waiting for her to say “it's ok if you don't want me to, I'll just wear my old fugly one that I wear every weekend, nbd!”]

If she doesn't understand that this is the closest to “fuck no” that is socially acceptable between friends, she's clearly not a betch and you probably shouldn't be friends with her anyway.

Or when a guy asks you out to dinner, but suggests a place like Houstons:

Uh…I really don't want to fucking to go Houston's it's like a trashier Cheesecake Factory that only has fat people salads filled with the patrons of Dennys so like no I don't fucking want to eat at fucking Houstons.

“I meeeeaaaan..I like, guess.”

Can you just give me head for like a few minutes maybe?

UGH no I don't want to put my mouth on your disgusting penis.

“I meannnn…not really”

This contrary usage can go a long way, but like any complicated idiom, there's a different angle. It can also represent an expression of 'fucking duh.'

Want to go out tonight?

Uh no fucking shit I want to go out tonight do you even know me at all?

“I meeeeannn… yeah”

You want to cut the lines this time?

gagaI meeann…no

Uhh yes are you serious I'm so happy you just asked me that my bag's empty do you haveeee anyyy???


“I mean….I'll do it.”

The best part about the phrase “I mean” is that can be paired with many other betchy phrases to create the ultimate fusion of marginally indecipherable vocabulary:

Let's say your friend just told you she met Ingrosso backstage last night but was too blackout to remember. A good way to respond is “I meaaaannn…that's casual.”

Or if your bestie tells you she accidentally had sex with the WGA last weekend despite her successful efforts up to this point to avoid even playing 'just the tip.' The best way to cheer her up would be with a simple “I meannnn…it's like whatever.”

So you see betches,” I mean” is all about what you mean, yet not what you mean at all. It's like, really complicated. But if we weren't complex beings we wouldn't be betches, we'd be boring retards or worse, people who know what they mean. I meannnn….that's lame.


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