45. Graduation

There comes a time in every betch’s life when she has to say goodbye. We know that all good things must come to an end, like your mom making your school lunch, your dad paying your credit card bills, and the inevitable termination of your Adderall prescription. After four years of spending your time getting wasted and #36 not doing work, suddenly that magical weekend in May is upon us. Yes betches, we’re talking about college graduation.

But wait, shouldn’t betches hate graduation!? It marks the end of four years of our parents paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for us to skip class in favor of smoking pot on our couch, and spending our summers making copies and fetching coffee two days a week for free!

If the thought of graduating makes you want to slit your wrists, it’s time to reconsider. A smart betch knows this is only the beginning. True, we’re moving on to the “real world,” where it suddenly becomes way less socially acceptable to do things like selling your textbooks back to your university for drug money, but don’t panic, betches. Post-grad life isn’t going to be so bad.

Remember how fun it was to be a freshman in college? Now you get to be a freshman of an entire fucking city! Graduated betches are about to make a mass exodus from all sorts of bumblefuck states to major cities where it’s no longer creepy to interact with a “local.” You’re opened up to a whole world full of new clubs, new bars and best of all, new people who haven’t seen your rotation of outfits a million times. Say goodbye to the days of extending obligatory #23 pregame invites to those #38 frenemies who lived around the corner. Yes! We can finally ditch those bitches!

Best of all, graduating college marks the start of a new era, when bros no longer have the mentality that they can #8 fuck you without buying you so much as a drink, let alone not taking you to dinner. Fuck well-paying jobs and alumni networking, our diplomas give us the right to say that guys who want to get laid are going to have to open their fucking wallets.

Now, let’s talk about graduation weekend itself. At first glance it seems like spending a weekend with your parents, forcing yourself to act appreciative while incessantly #41 fake smiling, should be a betch’s worst nightmare. And on top of that, we’re required to attend retarded school functions at which overachieving honor students GDI losers give speeches about the importance of like, work ethic and ambition. Gross. Speaking of gross… Is there anything more nauseating than that heinous cap and gown? The graduation getup makes it virtually impossible to #42 dress like a slut. Betches HATE this graduation gown.

However, while we can all agree that these unpleasantries are extremely irritating, a true betch knows how to look past it and milk graduation for all it’s worth. This is the last time, other than your birthday and wedding, that you can reasonably ask for whatever the fuck you want from not only your immediate family, but your fifth cousin twice removed whom you haven’t seen since you attended their wedding in 1997. Not only that, but graduation weekend is entirely centered around every betch’s favorite thing. Ourselves! Usually it’s tiring to feign modesty when people are constantly telling us how great we are, but grad weekend gives us a free pass to instead smile (Genuinely! Rare…) and nod in agreement. Even better, this free pass won’t expire for at least another three months! Our parents are so proud of us right now, they won’t even care that your summer plans are centered around #27 tanning and blacking out in NYC. So like we said betches, milk it. Hold onto daddy’s credit card and hit Shop Bop hard before you’re off the money train.

Also, grad weekend finally marks the end of people asking you annoying fucking questions like, “what’s your major?” and “what classes are you taking?” You barely ever knew the answer to these questions and it was getting harder and harder to think of four new classes to be “enrolled” in every semester. Errr, Pharmacology 5990? It’s a graduate class.

So whether you’re suffering through the family affair that is grad weekend, or you’re stressing about what to do with your life once this weekend has passed, just take a moment to relax and reflect on the major accomplishment of graduating college. After all, no matter how many classes you never went to, or how many nights a week you blacked out, your future employers will never have any idea. Remember betches, the diploma you’re handed at graduation is just as valuable to you as it is to the nice girl who got the privilege of spending her Friday nights writing your papers while you were getting your B.S. in how to BS your way through life.

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