18. The Fuck Buddy

After a girl has been the #16 breakup betch for a while, the logical next step is to find someone new. However, as we’ve already described a betch in a relationship as a much lamer version of herself, having a fuck buddy is really the best of both worlds. It allows you to be your truest betch self while getting laid on a regular basis without having to deal with some miserable boyfriend around telling you that your crop top looks too slutty.american pie

A betch knows that there are some times in her life when she can’t be tied down because there are just too many people out there who want to hook up with her. You can go out and rage, do whatever drugs you want, and not have to answer to fucking anyone. However, while guys can get off to a piece of fucking apple pie (Was it just a piece or was it the whole pie?), a girl has a much better time when a guy knows how to give her what she wants.

While we know there are a lot of dicks out there, some are more special than others. Betches like everything they do to be special and exclusive, even the things that go in us. But since we’re not about to date anyone, our established fuck buddies become VIPs, our Very Important Penises.

This also allows betches the freedom to explore as many options as we want, while still having consistent sex and minimizing our number. One might call them a friend with benefits, but unlike my actual friends who I would be there for in times of sickness and trouble, the only reason I would text my VIP when he’s ill would be to see if he’s gonna make it out tonight! They’re not really your friend, and maybe you talk occasionally, but if not for the sex, there would probably be little to no contact at all.For a betch, having a VIP is just like making an investment (thanks for teaching us about the stock market dad!). You do a lot of research and carefully select who looks the most promising. In other words, he’s tall, has a penis on the larger side, and knows what the fuck he’s doing. We’re not trying to devirginize anyone here. Sometimes a betch has a few investments that are going great for her, that way she can choose who she wants at any given time. Every Wall Street asshole understands the importance of a diversified portfolio, and so does a betch. Just because we’re hot doesn’t mean we’re stupid. Feeling a slow and sensual tryst set to the tune of Boyz II Men? Call Todd! Looking to conquer the third floor of the library? Good thing Andrew’s around!

So bros, if you’re lucky enough to be a betch’s VIP, don’t worry about her excessive drunken BBMs, it’s just that she wants to fuck, and one of her other VIPs might not be answering at the moment. Just remember, if you secure a coveted spot on a betch’s VIP list, you should always RSVP in a timely fashion or next time you might not get in.



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