Dear Betch…

Hey Betches,

So I have a bit of a problem. My back burner bro (actually he's more like my back-back burner bro) recently said in a text that I was his soulmate. It was, like, not that late at night so I'm worried he wasn't blackout. I laughed it off but he's been texting me all the time, even double texting when I ignore him. He's stooped so low as to try texting me about things I'm interested in, like birth control news. Like, what? First of all, my ovaries are none of your business. Secondly, leave me alone. I even block him on certain fb statuses because he “likes” the creepiest shit, like muploads circa 2010. No, I don't blame Timeline.

I didn't want it to come to this but am I really going to have to tell him to fuck off? How do you dump a back burner bro who can't take a hint?


My Back Burner Bro Is In Love With Me (HELP)

Dear Stalked by Your Back Burner Bro,

The question we really have is, how did you get yourself into this situation in the first place? This guy doesn't sound like a BBB so much as he sounds like a psychopathic loser. This is one of the dangers of hooking up with someone before you're their Facebook friend. You should really try and discern if someone's a complete weirdo before you commit to letting them put their tongue in your mouth.

The best way to go about this, since this guy clearly can't take a hint, is to completely ignore him when he texts you. There's nothing worse than a guy who peruses Facebook to like everything on people's walls because he thinks that makes him clever, original, and funny. News flash: It just makes you an uncreative loser with a lot of time on your hands. You should either just defriend him or 'jokingly' tell him that it's really weird how he keeps liking random things on your wall the next time you see him. He should take the hint. When it comes to BBBs there's at thin line between creepy nice guys and great guys you are just not that into. This guy is the former. Time to dead him.

Good luck,

The Betches



Dear Betches,

I'm too self involved to come up with a compliment for someone other than myself, so I'm just going to jump right into it. There's this blast from the past pro that came out of the woodwork a little over a year ago. At that time, I had a bf and we were “just friends”. I know your stance on that issue, and I totally agree. He was always flirting and teasing me, so when I broke up with my bf I hooked up with this pro soon after. “Friends with benefits” kind of a deal (normally never works). We hooked up a handful of times but I know he doesn't want a gf. Instead I came up with the brilliant idea for him to move in with me as a roommate.

Surprisingly, it has been amazing and its been about 6 months. We hooked up one time like a month after he moved in, but then nothing since then. He hangs out with me and my friends just about every weekend and I even do stuff with him and his parents. He does chores, cooks me breakfast every morning and usually dinner too. We really are best friends, but I feel like there is something more. However, he always brings up random girls or makes up stories about girls just to try and get a rise out of me (He has told me that is why he does it). He's never brought one home or hooked up with any of them. I just pretend that I don't care, obvi.

Here's the hang up; in a normal scenario I would take these signs as that he likes me, but since we live together and haven't hooked up in a long time, I'm confused. Does he like me but he's trying not to make things awk bc we live together or am I the only exception to boys and girls not being able to be just friends?

Just Friends Betch

Dear Just Friends Betch,

This guy is not into you. It's not that he doesn't want a girlfriend, it's that he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. This scenario sounds like you're much less attractive than him, and he's kind of embarrassed to outwardly be hooking up with you. Instead, he lives with you, hooks up with you occasionally when he's really drunk, and tells you how great of friends you are and talks about other girls to reaffirm to you that he's not into you in that way. It's kind of weird that you live together since you're clearly extremely attracted to him.

We suggest distancing yourself. Find a guy who doesn't try to hook up with you after failing to find someone when he's out. If there's anything Jersey Shore taught us (other than how to act if you want everyone to think you're a slutty sellout) is that people like Snooki who wait around for their guy roommates who fuck them on the backburner just look like sad pathetic whores.

Move out and move on,

The Betches


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