Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

I've been in an all-boys class for about 3 years now…in this class, there's this Pro who I've been talking to for the past few months or so. We used to BBM, but of course we don't anymore. Now he texts me during class every so often to say how bored he is and before a test, sometimes to study, sometimes to ask a question. We really broke the ice before finals when we studied together at his house and had a really good time.

That happened a couple weeks ago, and now, I just don't know what to do. I wouldn't normally even have an interest in him as more than a friend, but now that he is really paying attention to me, I am starting to really fall…well, no I won't say it.

The biggest problem is that we aren't in the same friend group at school. This sounds completely lame and shouldn't be a problem for me, but it is with him…for no reason.

Help! Thanks!


Confused and Somewhat Lovesick Betch

Dear Confused and Somewhat Lovesick Betch,

Ah, another day, another guy that's just not that into you. This is painful because the evidence for this is all over your fucking letter. Time to shatter that delusional dater illusion you're so deeply harboring.

First, you said he texts you 'every so often to say how bored he is and before a test, sometimes to study, sometimes to ask a question'. Sounds like you're tutor girl, freak. This guy is using you for your notes or something along those lines and keeping you just interested enough so you're eager to keep speaking to him and therefore do shit for him. Guys that like you don't text you to tell you how bored you are. They text you asking to hang out so they can eventually fuck you.

Next, you 'really broke the ice before finals when you studied together at his house and had a really good time.' First off, ew. Who studies for finals and who has a good time doing it? Gross. Again, you're tutor girl. Enough said.

Third, he has a problem that you're 'in the same friend group at school'. Guys who want to date you or even just have sex with you badly enough will not give a shit if you're in the same friend group, class, dorm, gym, rehab, etc.. Sex drive overpowers pretty much everything when you're a guy so if this guy liked you as more than his friendly tutor you'd fucking know it. Time to move on, stop fucking studying, and find your own guy to do your work for you.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

I'm having a bit of a dilemma fucking problem. I'm a betch, but my sister…she's a whole different story. She's a senior in high school this year and right now everyone in her grade is picking out prom dresses and getting asked to prom. Everyone besides her.

I don't get it. She's not ugly and she can be a total betch, not bitch, but for some reason no ones into that in her school. Like hello? I just feel sorry for her (I know I'm showing emotions but she's my baby sister). I want her to stop stressing and be happy and have fun. It's her senior year..she should be getting blackout drunk every weekend instead of biting her nails off because she can't get a prom date.

How can I help my sister become a betch who's gets a hot date with a bro and not some fug chub.

Love you Betches!


Older Sister Betch

Dear Older Sister Betch,

Obviously, as someone who shares your direct genetic line, you want your sister to succeed, have fun, and not embarrass you by association.

Now, first off, describing your sister as 'not ugly' is like a really shitty compliment. It's like describing a girl by saying she has a good personality. It hints that she is in fact fugly .That being said, if you want to help your sister, it's time to be honest with her. If there's one thing sisters are good for besides extra clothes, it's honesty. It's your job to tell her to get her shit together, lose some weight if necessary, get new clothes, stop being an annoying loser, etc.. It sounds like you think your sister has some issues so just fucking tell her what they are and help her fix them. Take her shopping, help convince your parents to get her a nose job, etc.

Whatever her problem is you should pinpoint it with her and then help her fix it. The key to being a betch is confidence so stop calling her 'not ugly' and start pointing out her flaws, help her fix them, and then instill some confidence in her.

If we're wrong about her and she isn't actually ugly, assuming you're not a complete loser and there isn't like a 10 year age difference between you, why don't you set her up with one of your guy friends or a leftover nice guy who texts you? Like really, do we have to think of everything???


The Betches


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