Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

From reading other Dear Betch columns I assume that it's customary to start out with a gushing compliment. So I'd just like to say how much amusement, insight, and general life knowledge your site provides me with on a daily basis.

With that being said, I need some advice. I'm a junior in college, and in the past 2 1/2 years at school I have perfected the art of not fucking bros. This is pretty much due to the fact that every time a guy I liked became interested in me, I automatically lost interest and blew him off, only contacting him again when I was bored and felt like fucking with some poor bro's mind (poor in the figurative sense, obvi).

Anyway, I went to a party a few weeks ago and hit it off with this really hot guy. He's total pro material: tall, wealthy, in a great frat, engineering major, etc. The only problem is, he's a freshman. At first when he asked me out I told him he was too young for me, but the more I talk to him, the more I really start to like him. I haven't told any of my friends about him because I know that they think dating younger guys is like weirdly perverted or something.

Can this relationship even work? And if so, how do I avoid the inevitable shit talking that my besties will do if I start dating a younger guy?


Cougar Betch

Dear Cougar Betch,

Every betch at one point or another has had the urge to rob the cradle, even if it was just for sixteen-year-old Justin Bieber pre-lesbionic earring phase. Now, assuming you're two consenting adults (pedophilia is never betchy), hooking up with a younger bro often has its benefits. Like most guys, they're scared as shit of you and are usually pretty easy to turn into your bitch.

However, your relationship with a freshman in college is inevitably doomed to failure. Usually it's only okay to hook up with freshmen as an upperclassman assuming it's on a dare or some sort of huge joke and the kid is especially hot. We highly doubt you'll be a 22-year-old living in the real world that's getting excited about buying your boyfriend alcohol and visiting him in efforts to rehash those oh so glamorous college frat parties. To make an actual relationship with one is kind of sketch and you can and will be judged by those around you.

That being said, a true betch wouldn't give a shit. Who cares what other people think about who you hook up with and what you do? The #43 haters will always find something to talk shit about, but if you don't give a shit it really doesn't matter. Demi Moore showed the world that even if you're old as fuck you can still land young, hot pros. However, that's no guarantee that when you hit menopause he won't redirect his charming playful innocence towards fucking the nanny.


The Betches



Dear Betch,

I am a college betch in quite a pickle. So there's this totally hot bro (soon to be pro), he's completely loaded, and in the best fraternity. I have been crushing majorly on him, while still playing mysterious and hard to get, fucking duh. Being the hot betch I am, he obvs started to pursue me and it's like, whatever.

But theres one problem that I just recently uncovered: before college, he was like 50 pounds heavier… barf. Theres a couple pics of him before freshman year (he's a junior now) and he's totes fat. Like, what is a betch to do? I know appearance doesnt matter, bla bla bla, but fuck that. He's hot and inshape now, but whenever he buys me a drink now I can only see the fat kid that's inside of him. The previous extra poundage is just, like, a huge turnoff. Everything else though is basically perfect, but I cant get his 2008-esque stomach rolls out of my head. Help a betch out?


Shallow Betch

Dear Shallow Betch,

Ah, you're dating a former fatty. This is a double edged sword. First, you have to ask yourself: What kind of former fat kid is this guy? Growing up fat, this guy probably had to develop some sort of good personality in order to get anyone in their right mind to speak to him, especially hot betches. Hopefully, he still maintains his high school shadiness, and brings a really good mind game to the table. On the other hand, he could totally have a chip on his shoulder and be an introverted nice guy shamed by his former fat self. Stick around if he's the former. See Ryan Reynolds in Just Friends for an on-screen example. And hey, Rebecca Romijn traded in gorgeous Uncle JesseJohn Stamos for former tub of lard Jerry O'Connell and she seems pretty content.

But let's talk about the shitty stuff. Do you want the possibility of your perfect genes being tainted with fat ones? There's nothing worse than envisioning your future daughters idolizing plus size models or turning out happy and fat like Nikki Blonsky. That shit is the stuff of nightmares.

These are the questions you have to ask yourself before you begin a relationship with Jared from Subway. Good luck betch.


The Betches


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