Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

I seem to have gotten myself into a pretty intense situation and I seriously need the input of the head Betches. I've been going out with my amazing pro of a boyfriend for 3 years, but he recently went all Chuck Bass on me and accused me of cheating on him with his brother, complete with pix of us shopping together (I know… I console myself with the fact that at least he pays his driver enough to have an iPhone with a sick camera). Of course cheating is out of the question, but it's true, I have been hanging out a lot with his brother and I can't really blame him for thinking something's going on between us.

But, what he doesn't know is that his brother is gay and has been my gbff longer than I've even known my bf. Problem is, he's never come out to anyone but me, and no way in hell am I going to out him to his very right wing and religious family who will probably disown him (or worse, cut him off).

How do I explain to my very pissed off boyfriend that when I say I'm going to Bergdorf with his brother, I am, in fact, only going to Bergdorf with his brother? What's a Betch to do?


Betch who must be in a soap opera because you can't make this shit up

Dear Betch who must be in a soap opera because you can't make this shit up,

Wow, you're right this shit does not happen in real life. But you've come to the right place for help. Let's lay out the factors in this action packed triller of a situation. Your boyfriend is jealous, but rightfully so, because in his perspective the girl who he presumably loves may or may not be having sex with his brother. Then you have the gay best friend, who put a lot of fucking pressure on you when he only came out to you. This is normally not a bad thing, and somewhat flattering when you're the only person privileged with such great news, but in these circumstances it puts you in an unfortunate position. And to put the the cherry on top of this Days of Our Lives flavored sundae, these two guys have conservative crazies for parents, clearly.

What we suggest you do: Tell your boyfriend you understand why it would look like you're cheating on him, but that it's really not what he thinks and that he should trust you. Denying is for people who are guilty, owning up to his suspicions will get him to see that this picture is way fucking bigger than he would ever imagine. Then, tell your GBFF to own up to his homosexuality and just come the fuck out to at least his own brother. We don't know anything about their relationship but come on its 2012! If at 10 years old we knew Lance Bass wasn't straight, we're pretty sure most people have an inkling by now that your gay bestie is a friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?

Sincerely, The Betches _________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Betch,

I met this pro last Friday who is a doctor in his late 20's. Tall. Hot. Funny. Beach front property. The whole package. Naturally, he's into me. Because of my obvs busy social calendar, I'm making him wait until next week to take me out to dinner… But there's an issue… Through some casual research, my besties and I discovered that this pro has a child. Normally, I would call the daddy card a deal breaker, (is this going to be a date or a nanny interview?) but a few friends of mine think I should still give him a chance. Since I'm torn between what I should do (or maybe I just DGAF), and you seem to be constantly writing about my life anyway, I figured I'd ask for the opinion of my fav betches.


Not A Nanny

Dear Not a Nanny,

Assuming you're not like 18, dating a guy with a kid is really NBD. Since divorced dads usually don't have custody of their kids, you probably won't even see it most of the time. Now, we all know that kids are major #135 party fouls, but honestly if this guy's a doctor he's probably not that much fun to begin with anyway. We haven't met many doctors who are down to rage five nights a week and cut lines. It all depends on what you're looking for.

If a Saturday afternoon consisting of dressing up some little brat and using this guy's credit card to take him/her shopping is your kind of thing, you can think of his kid as an alternative to the #95 little dog you never had (or did): something to dress up cute and use to accessorize. If however, your idea of a fun Saturday afternoon is telling everyone around you to shut the fuck up because you're hungover and sleeping, we'd say pass on the baby daddy thing. Honestly, it all depends on the type of relationship you're looking for.


The Betches


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