55. Dads

So today is Fathers' Day but for betches it might as well be called Thanksgiving. It’s the one day of the year when we give back our moms buy Hallmark cards for us to sign to say thanks to the bros we've been manipulating since we learned how to speak: our dads.

While betches generally don’t have to be thankful for anyone because let's face it, we were born amazing and would probably be so without the help of anyone, we realize that our dads were essential to making it all happen. Since it’s always about us let’s take this day to appreciate the man who chose the sports teams you pretend to root for.

familyTori is already thanking Daddy Spelling for her two future jobs: nose and 90210

Let’s talk about the number one reason we’re thankful enough to give our dads the presents that we bought with his credit card. Bills. Be it giving us our first luxury car, paying for our Spring Break trips to Mexico, our plastic surgery, our second home, you name it. Without these guys we’d have to like, get a job or look up to a strong independent female role model or something. Gross!

Our dads give us all the direction a betch could need. Whether it's making sure we’re #8 not fucking bros, telling us who the president is, or making our moms shut the fuck up when they’re yelling at us about school or some shit, our dads have instilled the perfect value structure to help us avoid teen pregnancy.

angelina jolieThe only thing that brawling with your dad gets you is left out of the will.

For 364 days of the year, your entire communication with your pops can and should be about when he's putting more money in your bank account (nicely of course, betches know not to bite the hand that feeds them). However, on Fathers' Day, you need a change of pace and pretend to care about someone other than yourself. Just by being a betch you’re inevitably a member of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club, so let’s thank the guy who made that possible. So make sure you get your dad a card, be nice during the family dinner that's bound to be boring as fuck, and remind him that it’s only a matter of years before you’re on some other bro's tab.


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