141. Calling Out Hipsters

As you all know, we've thoroughly discussed who the betch is and her amazing ways. But now it's time to delve into the only thing worse than a nice girl, the anti-betch, more commonly known as the hipster. Don't know what a hipster is? We'll paint a picture for you. While we're ordering our iced coffees at Starbucks, they're usually the bearded barefoot guys in a corner, wearing tank tops that they bought in the infant section of American Apparel. If they weren't updating their Tumblrs on their 17″ Macbook Pros you'd probably mistake them for homeless men.

Hipsters live in a constant state of competition with each other for who can drop the most obscure reference (we would give an example but we don't know any), articulate the most deep thought, or make the strongest statement about hating the man through their ironic choice of uncomfortably tight consignment jeans.

Speaking of these jeans, can someone please tell us why there is a need to cuff them. Do you just happen to enjoy the color of the lower half of your calf as it loses circulation? Someone give us the answer to this inexplicable wardrobe riddle.

hipstersI don't need shoes, I fucking run this coffee shop on Foursquare.


How about those glasses….Everyone knows what we're talking about. It's the thick black square frames everyone wears to denote themselves as a hipster. You know, because we couldn't tell you were “alternative” based on your unbuttoned flannel exposing your bare chest, Dan Humphrey. FYI, your chest is not a shirt, even if it says something really profound like “I don't know where I'm going next” or “we are all made of stars.” I'll tell you where you're going next: Hell, or back to Williamsburg.

[Side Note: The best is those girls who want to nurture their inner hipster a little bit so they buy the large-rimmed glasses to match their flannel shirts from LF. In most of these cases you can almost guarantee the lenses have no prescription. The only thing worse than hipsters are halfway-hipsters.]

We'll even go so far as to argue that, for all their environmentalist bullshit, hipsters are actually causing pollution. In fact, we've recently submitted a subsection to the Wikipedia page for An Inconvenient Truth entitled Hipsters: The Only Greenhouse Gas You Can See.

hipstersYeah because getting fucked up on ambien and talking about existentialism is wayyyy better than drinking…

Also, why do they have to ride their bikes everywhere? It's like, get a fucking car you're from the suburbs. Our parents should feel lucky that we at least spend our money on Chanel bags and sick jewelry. Hipsters on the other hand, probably spend just as much, but to make themselves look fucking poor. $120 for a haircut to appear as if I haven't cut it in 3 years?! Count me in. Sorry hipsters, if you were as poor as you claim, you would have to get a job and would have way less time to smoke Parliaments on your stoop. Stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop!


Anyway, it's time to denounce this weird ass breed of human, who dress in uniform and whose goals are to be as different as humanly possible. Clearly they haven't had a chance to double check their logic when it comes to their objectives in life. Note to hipsters: we see through your desperate attempts to protest consumerism by buying clothes with as little fabric as possible, and we feel you on that. Less fabric = better. But everyone knows dressing like a slut as a girl gets you fucked, dressing like a slut as a guy lands you at a small cafe discussing the symbiotic relationship between Nietzsche and Faust.


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