Betchography: Miami


Betch Factor: 7.5


The betch who lives there: has probably lived in Miami her whole life and is ri-fucking-diculous. We don't know if it's the molly or the water or what, but betches from Miami are insane. Like, look at how they dress. Is that a feather attached to the belt of your snakeskin pant suit? Is that a rabbit fur vest…over your bikini? It's kind of a mixture between an exotic person and an artsy psych ward patient but like, in a way it works because you're from Miami. It's like, whatever. Miami is like a Utopia for the shallow, the bronzed, and the fucked up.

The betch from Miami went to Miami Country Day, Gulliver, or Ransom for high school, and then to UMiami, FSU or UF for college to get her masters in #107 not branching out. The few who decide to leave for college go to BU or GW until they discover that a) it's freezing and b) clubs in Boston and DC are for fucking amateurs only involve partying with alcohol.


queen elizI'm In Miami, Betch


The Miami betch has very serious concerns: being tan, being skinny, and dressing sleekchic wearing white all year round in order to be photographed at the hottest club that night. While these may sound like universal betchy problems, Miami betches have been living this life since they started shaving their legs. So, when they go to college it can sometimes be a serious culture shock for outsiders to find out that it's normal for some people to be forming a cocaine habit in 9th grade.

After college, the betch from Miami usually moves back home to live her pre-college life again, just now with a legitimate license and in hot pursuit of a Miami pro. That is, until she realizes that any guy bred in this city or any douche from UMiami is as mature as Spencer Pratt pre-crystal phase and would rather spend his trust fund buying shots at Moe's for freshman girls than an engagement ring. Once she concludes that Miami bros are undatable, she'll search for a husband from the Northeast whose main concerns do not consist of where to crash after his roll.

If she chooses to move to the northeast NYC, she'll get some PR job. If she can't find one, she'll work at LF while searching getting fucked up for jobs at clubs.

The Miami betch is also nearly guaranteed to be a Heat fan, even though she's more likely to know where the nearest dollar store is than be able to name more than 3 Heat players. Not being a fan became socially unacceptable in 2010.

A betch who visits: is really fucking lucky. Miami is a betchy epicenter for partying and vacas even more so than it is for living there. Visit Miami for the Regatta, Ultra, New Years' Eve, or fuck it, whenever you're feeling pasty.


sceneryThis place looks so fiesta festive


Go clubbing at Liv, Bardot, Wall, or Mynt; shop at Jessie, Jenna White, Rebel. Dash if you're a true Kardash stalker, or LF if you're looking for another way to casually bring yourself up and state that you've been to them in multiple cities.

Get your Miami friends to bring you to the most cliche tourist spot possible, Lincoln Road in South Beach. Eat at Prime 112 or Barton G. Throw up your amazing meal after.

The Betch Avoids: sexual harassment by creepy club promoters and bros who think they're DJs. Since every guy from Miami's dream is to do nothing all day but DJ and party either at a club or on a boat it's inevitable that you'll run into a few of these shadesters. Every bro from Miami thinks being from Miami gives him greater authority on all things related to house music. Remember though that hooking up with one of these guys is social suicide. Miami guys are not pros simply because they're too fucking stupid to think about anything beyond spending their dad's money to buy tables and impress betches. We guess their brains were fried by the ridiculously strong Miami sun and drugs.

The Miami betch also avoids Miami in the summer. Summer in this city is not about tanning so much as it's about being hot as fuck. Sweating is gross, no matter how many hours you spend poolside or on your dad's yacht. For this reason, the Miami dwelling betch usually spends her summer in Aspen or some other city in the US or Europe.

Would've gotten a higher score if not for: all of the poor, native Cubanos chilling around. If you thought a harmless “aye mami” from your local gardener was bad, you haven't been to MIA. And like what's the deal with the Housewives of this city, do people even watch that? Might as well be called The Middle-Aged Hispanic Housewives of Cuba. Sure being bilingual is hot but we're not down for any of this Elian Gonzalez shit.


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