Betches and Cars: Keys Are For Poor People

There's a reason why girls turning 16 are really excited for their birthdays, even though they're still five years away from legally blacking out. No, it's not because they're finally at that age when it's acceptable to tell people they've lost their virginity. It's the year they get their license.

But let's be real, having a license isn't amazing for the purpose of getting places whenever we want. That's what chauffeurs are for. Getting a license means that we can get a car of our very own, and we get to don yet another accessory that showcases how important and rich our dads are.

Like we said in our anger-evoking post on how to drive like an idiot without dying, any betch knows that life is not so much about getting to your destination, it's about being the hottest one on the journey. And nothing says more about you than your mode of vehicular transport. Remember the rule of thumb: the more German your car, the chic'er you are.


range roverOmg this will totally match my iPhone case


Before we break it down by make and model, let's first delve into color theory. Acceptable colors are dark ones (black/navy/dark grey), white (aka cream or ivory), or red.

First of all, if you're driving a red car you're probably annoying. Second, black cars are the way to go because they scream, “go fuck yourself”. But no one wants to get a simple 'black' car. Much like nail colors, you aim for something complex like Navajo Navy, Midnight Run, or Stevie Wonder Black. It often costs extra money to get one of these colors but it's like whatever. $1500 for the paint color to have a trendy name? Fucking duh.

And lastly many betches like to go with simple white, which is a safe choice if you want to signify that you're blonde or ensure that you and your besties' cars will all match.

Oh and if you're still using a key to start your car, you're not a betch.

Let's talk about what your whip says about you:

BMW X3 or X5: aka your first car.

Audi sedans: aka your first car that's slightly less status symbol-y than the X3. But Dad I NEED a car with four-wheel drive! How do you expect me to conquer the mountainous terrains of our gated community?

Range Rover: This is what every betch is trying for. And I mean, it's absolutely necessary to drive this huge ass sport utility machine as a teenager. If anyone ever tells you that a Range Rover Sport is a waste of money because it guzzles gas, is over priced, and requires service every five minutes, smirk and say, “yeah but does your car have seat warmers in the back?” Works every time.

A convertible: You live in a warm region and care so little about what's happening on the road that you bought a car that can double as a beach towel.

A red convertible: Stop trying so hard.


kill bill carFor some reason I totally picture Bill Clinton riding this


Porsche convertible: Fuck law school, this is an even better way to channel Elle Woods.

Lexus/Mercedes SUV: Ok Mom, you can go back to handing out de-crusted PB and Js to the kids at the soccer game.

Prius: Your fake love of the #47 environment, or actual love for Larry David, has gone so far that it's clouding your shopping decisions.

VW Beetle: This car is strictly for nice girls and those who shop exclusively at Free People. It comes with a fucking flower in the cupholder for fucks sake.

Mini Cooper: You're either tiny and love that about yourself, or you're huge and need to prove that you don't need back seat space in order to fit your stomach in the front seat.

Jeep: You're Sporty Spice, and you pretend you don't care what everyone else thinks but you actually really wanted the X3. Unfortunately your Dad didn't think you deserved it because you lost your last three lacrosse games.

Hummer: Have you scheduled your sex change yet?

Anything less than this we're not even going to address – not for fear that we'll insult you, but because I'd rather go get a manicure than think about how poor you must be to be driving a forest green Honda Element.


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