“Well, I'm sorry, Wendy. But I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.” – Mr. Garrison
Even though a South Park quote jump started this post, we highly suggest bros look away. I mean, unless you're in a deeply committed relationship and know your girlfriend's menstrual cycle better than the size of your dick we suggest you go read something else. You won't be interested or appreciate the visual. Now, where to begin?
Your period. It's amazing how uncomfortable people get when they talk about it. Like, what the fuck, why can't you just say the word period? Why do you have to whisper it, like you do when you say the words 'chlamydia' or 'black people.' Women have been spouting blood out of their vaginas 12 times a year for thousands of years. You would think everyone would just get over it already.
Back in the day they used to put girls in a hut for like a week while they bled out. We'd say this was sexist but we happen to like the idea of a week off from work just because you're leaking. But fear not you betchy bleeders, we're about to get into the shit that your mom or your lesbian health teacher never talked about, the upside of that time of the month.
The way we feel about our periods is kind of how we feel when our moms call us. We're not happy about it but we're also glad she's not dead. Yeah, getting it is like extremely irritating and gets in the way of your social life but think of it as a sojourn from sex. A sexual sabbath, if you will. Take the next 4-7 days and reflect on all of the guys you've fucked and the babies you're fortunately not carrying. Put in a super plus and congratulate yourself on a cycle well done.
(Side note: we're going to refrain from delving into the complicated and gag inducing topic of period sex because it's a personal choice and we personally really DGAF)
Sure if you've hit a dry spell and haven't gotten any ass in a while, your period becomes more like that time your annoying aunt stayed at your house when her apartment was getting redone. Her expected and unwelcome arrival makes you feel like shit about your love life. But whatever. Shit happens. Another egg, another month. Life goes on.
But all betches (and bros) know that the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period. If you haven't had a celebratory #23 pregame or fucking glass full of vodka in order to celebrate your P day and the averted crisis of welcoming the world's biggest party foul into the world, you're probably not a betch. There are few of us who haven't run through our apartments smiling, laughing as if we had just won the lottery screaming “I got it! It's here! TG!!!!!!!!!!“
Speaking of tampons, there is nothing else you should ever use. Pads are for my grandma and betchy babies who think diapers make them look fat. But I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!! Then use a super plus from Kotex, or whatever, use a cardboard applicator for all we care (that is, if you're poor – let's not forget the elite social status indicator tampon that is Tampax Pearl), just don't use a pad. I'd rather sleep in my housekeeper's underwear than walk around with an absorbent pillow in my pants.
Getting your period is a blessing in a disgusting disguise. It's the most brilliant excuse to get out of shit, mostly because people get so uneasy when thinking about the idea of your inner uterus shedding all over the floor. I mean, the minute you told your misogynistic gym teacher that you had to sit out today and talk shit with your besties because you have your period, did he not leave you alone in a desperate plea that you stop talking about it? Works every time.
So betches, next time you and your roommates are surfing the crimson wave together (something of a wild phenomenon that is seriously bewildering… May be symbolic for betches to flow together to rule the world, we dk), put on your period pants, pop in some Motrin, and haul your bloated asses to the living room for a night of movies and Bloody Marys.
And if you're that especially heinous bitch (who blames her unfortunate looks and bitchiness on PMS) for five days every month, feel free to curse God or Mother Nature, because seriously WTF…Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!