Betches and 420: The High Holy Days

“Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?” – Half Baked

James Franco. Miley Cyrus. Snoop Dogg. George Washington. What do all these people have in common besides being alive? Oh well, no never mind. They all smoke pot, fucking duh. And why do we care? Because tomorrow is 420 and we need to celebrate the people who keep the weed business thriving. But what's the point of celebrating a holiday when you don't know the history behind it?

You're right, there is no point at all. All we know is that it's also casually the anniversary of the Columbine shootings and the failure of the Bay of Pigs and the Good Friday Massacre and the Ludlow Massacre (no fucking idea), and Hitler's bday. Point is, 420 = mad evil shit. Imagine how much better things would be if on that day or 9 months prior, people had just decided to sit on their couches and smoke. On second thought, Bay of Pigs would've probably ended the same.

Let's talk about the true glory days of 420: high school. While for 420 in college you might do something a little more intense like prepare baked goods, smoke one more gram than usual, or maybe find one more person to smoke with; during high school, 420 is like the funnest shit ever. Smoking with your besties between periods and fucking with the teacher was a favorite pasttime of ours. I left my Cranberries CD on the quad, can I go get it before someone snags it?

24Reefer Sutherland

In college and post-grad life, 420 is still one of those days of the year when you know most people around you will be stoned. If you're wearing sunglasses, you probably are stoned. If you're eating, you probably are stoned. If you have a social life, you probably are stoned. It's acceptable, even encouraged, to take the entire day off to smoke, because how productive would you be if you were high at work? As long as you can understand in advance that today will be an eating day, you must also have an assortment of snacks that are worthy of your munchies. Think of it like stocking up for Hurricane Katrina: not doing so could be disastrous…ironic.

But more important than stocking up on food is obviously stocking up on weed. You don't want to be wasting precious time calling your dealer when you can be smoking. Dealers run out, and if you end up with your last resort, you know you'll be spending the day smoking something that gets you as high as miniscule pieces of Wrigley's wintergreen. You need to be prepared so you can start your day off fresh and stoned. If you have actual shit to do don't worry, celebrating your beliefs is more important than being sober. Just ask the Irish.

[Side Note: There are few things more absurd to us than weed dealers who try push one strain of “ill kush” as “iller” than any other strain of “ill kush”. Text Message: Merry xmas everyone, Santa brought his best sour so holla ho ho ho! I swear this is a real text we got, you'd think the projects were inhabited by holiday elves.]

For the seasoned stoner betch; it is customary to smoke a fat blunt. It will most definitely involve kief spread throughout. You might attempt a crossbow joint.

For the occasional stoner betch; you will probably smoke from a bong or a bowl because you cannot roll anything. On this occasion it is mandatory to put ice in your bong.

weed cigsI don't not want those…

Classic shit to watch while high: -Half Baked -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas -Super Troopers -Harold and Kumar Trilogy -Pineapple Express -The Wackness -The King's Speech -Grandma's Boy -Zoolander -Road Trip -Euro Trip -Dazed and Confused -Fantastia -All Family Guy or South Park Episodes -Billy Madison. No milk will ever be our milk.

So while 420 may not hold the same place in your heart it did when you were sixteen, the holidays are important for remembering where we came from and the struggles that our people endured. So break out your old bowl from high school, visit your old dealer in jail, and tell your parents to fuck off. Spark up a j for us betches, it's not everyday we light up for a cause.






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