The Betches’ Guide to Valentine’s Day

It's no secret that February is by far the worst month of the year. It's like, if God were a chef, February would be a hotdog: aka a complete compilation of all the leftover shit of the year thrown into one short, miserable month. From holidays celebrating a fucking hairy rodent to snoozefest President's Day to Be Humble Day (we're not even going to get into this), it's clear that Feb was that nice girl from high school who used her Saturday nights to practice her clarinet.

Even Martin Luther King was like, “idc if it's Black History Month, fuck February. I'm not having my bday party in the grossest month of the year.”

I mean, have you seen the movie Leap Year? It's essentially about Amy Adams getting so desperate, pale, and psychopathic in the month of February that by the end of it SHE decides to propose to her boyfriend. Talk about a month that makes you do crazy shit. Speaking of shit that's cray, let's talk about Valentine's Day.

dont touch me


Depending on if you're single or taken, V Day is either a really fun way to make all your friends jealous of your amazing boyfriend, or a day to wallow in self pity while not eating the overpriced cake pops that your dad mailed to your apartment because the SAB you're fucking refuses to “date anyone right now.

All month long you’ll hear single nice girls bitching about how Valentine’s Day is coming up and “it’s like, sooo depressing.” But real betches know the truth. Anyone who says Valentine's Day is stupid is just single or ugly. Whining about Valentine’s Day is pathetic, a waste of time, and for desperate lonely losers. Real single betches embrace their freedom and use it as yet another excuse to celebrate blackout Thursday and rack up invitations to fraternity V-Day formals.

But if you’re a taken betch, V Day is a great time to place unrealistically high expectations on your boyfriend that’s he’s sure not to meet. Be it the right flowers, strawberries, dinner reservations, 15 extra minutes of foreplay, presents, etc; whatever he does will probs not be good enough but hey, yet another day to let him try.

Given the wide range of love and hatred that V Day inspires, we're going to take a second to tell you what everyone else thinks of what you think about Valentine's Day:

“Ugh, I HATE Valentine's Day, it's such a stupid Hallmark holiday”: You are pretentious, single, and probably ugly. It's not consumerism's fault you're not getting fucked tonight.

“Omg, I LOVE Valentine's Day, it's so much fun!!”: You're going to wear pink underwear with hearts that you bought especially for tomorrow night, you have a boyfriend, everyone hates you for the pictures you posted of the cupcakes you made him today, and your resume is scented.

“Me and Henry are keeping things really low-key tonight, since we've been dating for so long, V-Day is like, an afterthought”: You don't think your boyfriend is that into you anymore, so you're not sure if he's going to get you anything.


“We don't need to celebrate, every day is Valentine's Day for us”: You're one of those girls who brought Valentine's Day cards for everyone in her marching band up until the 9th grade.


“Sooo I have this sneaking suspicion that Dan was like, stalking my Facebook today, I think it's because he was missing me on Valentine's Day, I'm sure he just didn't text me because he's mad at me and he's like also, fundamentally against celebrating holidays”: You are the delusional dater, Dan wasn't even at his computer today, he was out with me.

“It's like, whatever: You're a single betch, let's go out.

So betches, in celebration of Hallmark’s ability to get people to buy you presents for essentially no reason, milk this shit for what it’s worth and enjoy. Remember that even if you’re single, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to take shots in honor of the fact that you’ve avoided becoming that fat girl next door who's busy downing chocolates and semen from her fugly boyfriend.



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