29. Beauty and the Betch

As beautiful and amazing as betches are, we don’t necessarily wake up this way. There’s a lot of time invested in creating someone that looks this hot. So what’s the secret to our eternal betch beauty?

Simple answer. Salon days.

Once a week betches like to unwind from the stress we go through day and night, damaging our delicate feet by going #20 clubbing in six-inch heels, or the inevitable chipped nail from excessive fast-paced BBMing. For this reason, salon days are essential.

The first appointment on the salon day agenda is usually hair removal and pretty much universally regarded as the worst part, so it’s necessary to get it over with early. There are two types of people in this world. Are you a theader or a waxer? Either way, make sure to pop a Xanax or muscle relaxer before your salon day. Betches don’t handle pain very well. It’s weird how a slight tap on the shoulder at the bar can spark a drunken brawl, but betches know one thing when it comes to waxing. No pain, no fucking gain.

Next onto the mani and pedi. Manis and pedis are kind of annoying because you like, have to sit there while some stranger paints your nails, but it’s also nice because it gives us the chance to catch up on the #2 world news in People and Cosmo.

Betches have one very important decision to make at this time. What color do I want!?!? This is one of our favorite parts of salon days. Betches loooove picking out their color because they get to look at all the punny nail polish names! OMG looove Adore-a-Ball… only for my French though!

There’s a lot to consider when choosing from the Essie and OPI color wheel. Do I want something classy like “After Sex,” or something fun and beachy like “Sand Tropez?” I could always get Chanel Black Satin so the whole world will know that my nail polish costs more than their weekly salaries. Poor people call this goth, rich people know it’s chic.

Do I get a light color to accentuate my #27 tan? Or something dark and mysterious so my nails can say “fuck off” before people get close enough that I have to say it myself?

It’s important to choose a color that gets lots of compliments and “Oooh I love your color! What’s it called?” It used to be that walking around with blue nail polish meant you were either five years old or a freak, but now you’re just one in a million Russian Navy fiends.

It’s a scary world out there, but a true betch knows that salon days are essential to maintaining our sanity and achieving Zen. We also know that people who say that beauty is on the inside are always fat and ugly.

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