Ask A Pro

Dear Head Pro, I’ll just come right out and say that I am a virgin. However, I like to think of it as being really, really good at not fucking bros. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not a prude or some weird religious freak. I maintain a typical complex betch lifestyle including Blackout Wednesdays, not keeping up with the news, the occasional trips to candy land, and of course a complicated relationship with blow jobs. Anyway, my question for you as Head Pro is to ask you what bros really think about virgins? Will I be labeled with a “weird nice girl freak” stamp across my forehead? Or perhaps as a challenge–the ultimate prize being a claim to my V-card? Love,The Virgin Betch Dear Virgin Betch, First of all, allow me to congratulate you on not being a raging whore who acts like she has a disease that can only be cured with daily semen injections. Bros love sluts because they make for convenient living masturbation aids, but blowing me in a Chili’s bathroom stall isn’t a great way to earn a spot on the girlfriend train.



As for the relationship between bros and your hymen, it’s complicated. Any bro who views taking a v-card as a prize has either never taken one or hasn’t had sex period. I would imagine that sex between two virgins would look like two monkeys trying to fuck a coconut, but sex where one person’s having it for the first time isn’t much better. That’s not to say that it’s something you should be worried or embarrassed about, because it’s something everyone has to experience at some point. I’m just saying that it’s naturally a little awkward and out of synch when you first start, so it’s not something anyone seeks out if they want to have sex just for the sake of having sex. It’s a possibility that bros might be hesitant to pursue you for one-nighters if word gets around that you don’t put out (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing). Biologically, sex creates a lot of changes and feelings for girls, and a college bro who’s experienced that before might not want the kind of attachment and emotions that stem from being a girl’s first. That said, if a bro’s really into you he’ll be more than happy to guide you on your first trip to pound town. If you find a guy who you feel is worth more than your usual knob job, I recommend being honest with him early-on to manage his expectations. Then, when the time’s right, have a couple of drinks and do it once to get it out of the way. There won’t be any fireworks going off or a camera spinning around you while a Celine Dion song plays just a little discomfort and awkward grunting. Don’t worry, it gets better every time. Happy Boning, Head Pro

Dear Betches Love This Bro, So, I was seeing this guy, who was pretty Pro at first, in all the right ways. Then, all of a sudden, he turned into this loserish, past-relationship-baggage laden bro that was 110% not worth my time. But of course by then I was in too deep, and essentially let him do a 180 from the sexy, fun prince charming he sold himself as to a boring, mopey asshole who stopped caring about me at all. Anyways, I started seeing someone else, because obviously, and when he found out he left, because obviously–you know, his emotional issues and all that. Don’t worry, we weren’t dating, I may be a betch but I’m not a bitch. I was just keeping my priorities straight–my priorities being myself, and actually having fun. Anyways, he dips out of the relationship, and also out of my apartment for that matter, and I run after him because I really did have feelings for the guy, as well as a lot of vodka in my system. He says the usual “blah blah blah, how dare you betray our imaginary relationship, I could never trust you again” and leaves, at which point I did what any good betch would do: I took about 6 shots of rum and hightailed it to St Maarten for the week. Once I was done drowning my sorrows in free drinks, roulette tables, and dutch boy named Stijn, I started doing some major reflecting on the situation. The more I reflected, and I am a damn good reflect, the more I started becoming enraged about how I had been treated. How dare he treat a betch like me like I’m, well, not a betch? How dare he de-betchify me with his whiny, nice-boy bullshit? This has never happened to me, and not only do I want it to never happen again, but I want the perpetrator to be punished. Yes, I realize I was the one who let him get away with it–but in my defence, he was the one who fucking sucked. So I want this guy to feel bad for what he’s done. It was false fucking advertising, and he should be goddamn sorry. I want to communicate what a shitbag he is in a way that doesn’t make me look like a BSCB, but that will still keep him up at night, hating himself. This guy has a conscience, help me use it to destroy him, like a true betch would. I need to show this guy what happens when he tries to walk all over a betch. So, what is the best way to do this? Help me reclaim my betchiness! Xoxo, One Super Angry Betch P.S. Please don’t give me any of that same basic bullshit you give every other girl about how the guy doesn’t give a shit and they just need to forget about him. I know he no longer gives a shit about me. I don’t want him to still like me, I just want his soul to eat away at him for his actions. I want to put that into motion. Other than that, I have moved on. Some useful advice, pretty please with candyland on top. Mwah. Dear Super Angry Betch, Wow. Just, ok, wow. Let me summarize things, just so I can understand that encyclopedia of rambling whore-babble you sent me: You start dating a pro, and things are fine. Then he turns lame (for reasons you don’t mention), so you go ahead and bang some other bro. Then he very understandably gets mad and splits, so now you want to ruin his entire fucking life. Is that about right? First of all, not a single thing you said makes any fucking sense. You have feelings for him and he’s living with you, but you go and fuck someone else because you’re not dating? He’s the one who turned all lame and mopey, but you feel like the one who was walked all over? I’m not technically a psychologist, but you either have serious issues or are an egregiously delusional fucktard. When he got sad and boring did you bother to maybe ask him why? Call me crazy, but that would be the first thing I did if someone I fucking cared about had a complete change in personality. Maybe he’s bummed out because Lehigh and UNC ruined his bracket, or he woke up one morning and realized that he was dating you. Cheating on someone because you’re too self-absorbed to talk to them about their problems doesn’t make you a betch it makes you a narcissist. And now that you want to fuck with them after they left you because you cheated on them, that just makes you a horrible fucking person. I don’t have any advice to give you. In fact, I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. If anything, you ruined his life enough by being involved at it maybe you should give him a break for a change. Very Respectfully, Head Pro Have a question? Looking to shatter your delusions? Email the Head Pro at and follow him on twitter @BetchesHeadPro




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