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Dear head pro,

It’s been almost 6 months of on and off hook ups with the same pro. The occasional text and party encounter led to this ongoing “thing” I can’t seem to make out. (no pun intended) anyways, I’ve tried every betch trick- ignore him, make him jealous with a hotter pro, drink too much one would think I would have disgusted him by now, etc. but I don’t think he gets it. He stopped asking me on dates because I declared myself too busy for plans for the first month he started asking. I think my betchness confuses him. How do I get rid of him for good or make him realize I’m better than the occasional hook up? After all, he may be worthy of a date if I’ve somehow let myself hook up with him so many times despite the varying level of black out.Help this betch decide what’s right.


Almost bored betch

Dear Almost Bored Betch,

So� Let me get this straight: You two start hooking up, get bored with it (I think?), can�t get rid of him, but also want to make him realize you�re worth more than just the occasional hookup? And you think your betchiness is what�s confusing? The only confused person here is you (and maybe me, after reading your email).

I�m going to put this out there now betches, because it�s going to be a theme. Magazines like Cosmo will give you bullshit advice because their business depends on you constantly needing advice. On the other hand, my compensation from the Head Betches consisted of a sack of onions, kind thoughts, and a half-assed handjob. I have no incentive to tell you anything but the truth, and in this situation the truth is simple: People will treat you as badly as you allow them to treat you.

The big tip off here should have come when you tried to make him jealous. You can�t make someone who doesn�t give a fuck jealous any sooner than you can make a Tyler Perry movie watchable. The guy tried to make an �honest woman� out of you and you declined, but you�ll hook up with him periodically for six months? He gave it a shot, but when he realized he could booty call you whenever he wanted, why would he do anything other than that?

You can�t convince this pro that you�re better than an occasional hookup, because as far as he�s concerned, you aren�t. As the saying goes, �why buy the cow when you can get the blowjob for free?�

Hugs and Kisses, Head Pro______________________________________________________________

Dear Head Pro,

So, here’s my problem. I’m a freshman in college at a pretty big football school and early last semester I met a lot of the freshman football players. I ended up being together/kinda committed with one of the guys but not like in a relationship. Anyways a few months later I found out he had a girlfriend and going against my totally betch ways I still tried to stay with him. Oh and side note, we never fucked. Anyways as “revenge” over the next two months, I ended up giving head to like five of his teammates who we’re trying to get with me while I was with him.

So we left for break and now that we’re back and I have like random football players hitting me up, like pretending they want something serious but really just wanting a blowjob. I’m not even slutty the way they think. I only fucked with one of the 5 guys I gave head to. Is it so bad that I just look at dick like lollipops in a candy store? How do I keep these other fb players from hitting me up? Oh and change my reputation as the slutty one, since I’m totally not?!?


Slutty But Not Really

Dear Slutty Yes Definitely Really,

First of all, I�m almost convinced that this is an email from someone just trying to troll me, or at least I fucking hope it is. If not, a few things:

1 � Yes, you are slutty. I don�t mean that in an insulting way; I mean that in an objective, clinical way. Hooking up with a bro while he has a girlfriend and then dick-surfing your way through the offensive line is exactly what guys, other girls, and probably God imagine when they think of �slutty�. I�m not saying you�re a bad person or not cool to hang out with, but �looking at dick like lollipops in a candy store� is nothing if not slutty.

2 � I don�t think you understand what �revenge� means. You were only this guy�s side piece to begin with, and all you did was prove to him that you weren�t worth going all in on. There are hundreds of ways to get back at a guy who wronged you, but throwing a fucking rainbow party for the entire JV football team isn�t one of them. All that does is make #HeyBroHowsMyDickTaste a trending topic on Twitter.

3 � Change schools. Seriously. If you�re at a �big football school�, those guys have a lot of influence and your reputation will grow quickly. Your only other chance is to find another group of bros with influence, earn their respect (Do not, I repeat do NOT blow these guys), and rely on them to convince the rest of the student body that you�re just a cool girl who went through a phase.

I�m all for girls owning their sexuality, but this is not how you do that. You�re not owning it, you�re just getting owned.

Hugs and Kisses,

Head Pro

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