This Tuesday marks the most American holiday of the year, which also means that it marks the most bro holiday of the year. It’s the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence by the homie TJ (that’s Thomas Jefferson, you idiot) and his frat bros, which ultimately just gave a giant “fuck you” to King George and his entire British colony back in 1776. Yeah, I Googled know some things.
These days, the 4th of July is a time for “celebration” involving slutty flag attire, 12pm blackouts, and children handling explosives because evidently, America loves to royally fuck things up (K, so it’s not that bad, I’m prob just pissed because Target ran out of flag bikinis). But you’re bound to get a solid Instagram make tons of memories that you’ll never remember, and that wouldn’t be possible if not for the idiots who help create the entertainment. So here are all the types of people you’ll def come across in the midst of your afternoon hangover this weekend.
1. The Annoying AF “USA” Chanter
Starting to feel that 12pm headache roll in from your last round of Jell-O shots followed by a 2-story beer bong? Yeah, no, you’re better than that. That raging migraine is due to fucking Captain Bromerica parading around in his flag speedo for 4 hours straight yelling shit like “USA” or “‘MURICA” after practically spitting out half his shotgunned beer. He’s also managed to piss off 80% of the party after pushing half the guest list into the pool fully clothed, and don’t even think about challenging his shitty call in that last game of Beer Pong. Plz just go back to college, Dean.
2. The Politically Misinformed Idiot
Before you know it, WWIII is soon to break out in the suburbs of Maple Street because of this moron. The scary thing is, this can either be a singular person or an entire gang of political dipshits in their Make America Great Again hats, who begin drunkenly slurring about the founding fathers during the American Revolution that somehow turned into Trumpcare aka an IRL Facebook rant aka my worst fucking nightmare. We all know how this domino effect pans out. Before you know it, someone gets offended, and people who don’t even want to get involved start shit. Like I literally just made this person up and he’s already pissing me off. Next.
3. The Faux DJ
This dude’s only interaction with a woman all day has been giving his Amazon robot, Alexa, demands to bump “Party in the USA” for the 12th time on repeat. He thinks he’s the most clever motherfucker every time the chorus hits, but in all honesty, everyone’s shit faced at this point, and the song is a certified banger, so whatever. He’ll also play some hits off his own SoundCloud playlist that consists of dubstep, Smash Mouth and Carly Rae Jepsen, so just let him.
4. The Instagram THOTs
I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that I’ve never been this girl before, but I look great in red and I’ll find any excuse to chug a PBR, so sue me. You’ll never not see a girl attempting to wrap a flag bandana around her boobs while posing with a limited edition American flag Svedka bottle (aka me) on America’s bday. TBH, our founding fathers were prob the biggest group of fuckboys in all the 13 colonies and would prob be proud of the cleavage effort betches put into their Instagram posts congratulating their hard work a billion years ago.
5. The Uninvited Guest
Also me at like, half the parties I attend. This person somehow managed to tag along from another party and like the savage they are, scooped up an entire plate of barbecued goods without anyone even realizing, or giving a shit for that matter. Honestly though, they don’t even bug anyone that much, because their only social interaction is with whatever’s on their plate—but like, same same.
6. The Grill Master
Every summer BBQ has a grill Nazi master who literally does nothing but flip burgers while bitching about Trump’s latest tweet in a Kiss the Cook apron. Did I mention he does this all fucking day? The grill master is like your dad taking directions on a family road trip aka he doesn’t. On second thought, he prob is your dad. So don’t even try to order your burger well done or protein-style tofu or whatever your dumb diet doesn’t allow, because it’s either his way or the highway. Then again, I’ll be wasted and in desperate need of food once 3pm rolls around, so fire me up fucking burnt toast for all I care.
7. The S.O. You’ll Never See Again
I’m really not trying to be a pessimist or anything, but if you plan on introducing someone to your friends or family at a BBQ where you know the possibility of a blackout is like 86% or higher, chances are you don’t even care to remember them long after either. Listen, I get that nobody likes to be alone while watching the fireworks, but I’m not about to invest my precious drinking time into some week-long hookup. On second thought, is he good at Flip Cup?
8. The Passed-Out DAB
Honestly, what betch doesn’t love a day filled with drinking, napping, and then eating, in that exact order? The passed-out DAB (Drunk-Ass Bitch) has the brilliant mind to skip all the BS of dumb party games and acting like they love running into half their college class, only to come out of her slumber just in time for a gourmet variety of BBQ meats and an illegal light show. This genius was at her drunken prime at 12pm and managed to take a few good photos before looking like an actual swamp monster. Plus, didn’t we all learned from the queen of DABs herself, Corinne Olympios, that Mr. All American Abraham Lincoln praises the frequent nap? If there’s one thing I learned from my hot American history teacher, it’s that men look sexier with their hair pushed back, but mostly that history always repeats itself!
