Bachelorette parties are like the New Year’s Eve of milestones. In theory they sound like the best time, but in reality they’re always full of high expectations and you end up spending way too much money. But instead of saying goodbye to the year before, you’re saying goodbye to your soon-to-be-married friend’s slutty ways.
If anything, bachelorette parties are more like a funeral for your friendship, because as you lose single friends to marriage one by one, you also lose out on partners to make bad decisions with on a random Tuesday. Unless you’re already married, bachelorette parties are rarely an excuse for a single betch to party, considering you can party whenever TF you want. But, you’ll still go and get your best blackout personality on, because you love your friend and she deserves it. Because you’re such a good friend. What happens at a bachelorette stays at a bachelorette, but here’s a list of shit you’re going to end up doing and regretting
the next day immediately. So like, we’re not going to tell you what to do, but you should probably not do any of this shit if you want to wake up with your dignity the next morning.
1. Let A Stranger Take A Picture Of Your Boobs
Remember the dumb shit you did while pledging freshman year? Well you get to do them all again, except this time the internet is way better at finding your information AND you probably have an actual job already. Whoops.
2. Drink Too Much Of Shit That Tastes Like College
There’s a reason you don’t drink Everclear anymore, and it’s because you’re (hopefully) above the age of 18. Some things need to be left in the past. Everclear is definitely one of those things.
3. Throw Away All Your Cash At A Strip Club
Sure, it might seem like a good idea to throw twenties at Chip, the hot stripper cop with the charming smile, but as soon as you make it rain on those abs, you’re already regretting it.
4. Make Out With An Old Dude
You’re not Kesha. You don’t have to make out with that 55-year-old just because your friend’s getting married. Before the night’s over, someone’s going to get dared to make out with a way too old man or a 22-year-old kid that looks like he could be in One Direction.
5. Live Stream Yourself Deep-Throating A Penis Cake
Thank god our phones can stream, Snap, post anything at the push of a button right? Wow, you get to be blackout on FB live. You’re def going to regret that tomorrow.
6. Give Your Underwear To A Stranger
Britney Spears once said she only wears each pair of underwear once. But you’re not Britney, and also some stranger now has your underwear.
7. Leave A Raunchy Voicemail On A Friend’s Phone
You’ll never look that friend in the eyes the same way again.
8. Drunk Cry Because You’ll Never Get Married
Everybody knows you’re going to die alone, but could you like, not kill the vibe? You can throw a funeral for your love life another time; your friend’s bachelorette party is not the appropriate occasion.