Just thinking about some of these things makes me want to pop a Xanax.
1. Facebook Messages
Not sure if Mark Zuckerberg was a genius or an evil genius when he cleverly devised the √seen at 11:48am system (that’s supposed to be a check mark btw). In the good old days, any time I sent out a Facebook message it was getting thrown into the abyss of cyberspace and maybe my “hey is that French paper due today or next week?” message just got sucked into some vortex of oblivion somewhere or like, maybe you didn’t check Facebook today. But now I know you’ve seen my message a full 9 minutes ago and I’m not even seeing those three moving dots on your end so it’s obvious you’re just choosing not to answer. Who the fuck are you to ignore me? BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.
Seeing as the selfie is the 2014 equivalent of fishing for compliments, posting selfies is a dangerous trap. One minute you’re Omg my hair just looks awesome today let me take a quick selfie and the next minute you’re like but wait why hasn’t anyone liked my selfie my hair does look awesome, doesn’t it? Right? Right guys? WHY WON’T SOMEONE TELL ME I’M PRETTY??! And the next thing you know you’re eating cupcakes in the shower and writing a screenplay for an HBO sitcom based on your life.
3. Overactive GroupMe
No one cares, Steve!
Because there’s always that one person in your friend group/summer internship who for whatever reason won’t fucking get an iPhone, forcing the rest of you to download an app just so you can have a normal group chat about where you should go for happy hour. Now every time sometime texts “I want a mojito” “lol” “u would” or favorites any of the aforementioned messages, your phone starts vibrating and before you know it you’re getting so many notifications it sounds like you’ve got a fucking vibrator in your purse.
4. Your friend uploading pics from last night before checking for the group’s approval
You’re on Facebook in class, minding your own business, and suddenly you get a new notification. Ugh I bet this is just Kevin sending me an invite to another College Night at Mansion, I need to figure out how to block event invites from him. Nope, it’s worse: Becca has uploaded 15 pictures of you. What? But we only took like 3 pics together at the pregame….ohhhhhh shit. You start furiously clicking through those pics and your heart is racing so fast you might need a Lipitor. I swear if she uploaded one where I look flushed or like God forbid, sweaty….she is sooo off the group text.
5. Logging back onto Twitter/Facebook/Tinder after a night of drinking
You’d almost rather not know what you drunk commented, and the reasons behind why you said whatever you said are more obscure than the secret to cracking the Rosetta Stone. Maybe it’s better you don’t check your Tinder to find that you told some stranger you want him to murder your vagina, because like they say ignorance is bliss.
6. FOMO-inducing pics
Like yes I did choose not to go out but it’s not my fault I had mono and a 102-degree fever, do you all have to rub it in my face how much fun you had at Maggie’s? Maggie’s isn’t even fun. Fuck all y’all.
7. Shadily stalking a hot guy on facebook
If you’re on your computer, you’d better be in an abandoned cave in the middle of nowhere or like, your room because once your new hookup’s frat bro spots you Facebook stalking him in the library, you’ve gone from “hot girl he didn’t get to fuck last night” to “must maintain 100 feet distance at all times.” If you’re on your phone, swipe carefully and make sure your fingers don’t make any sudden movements. Once you accidentally like a photo of someone you’re not even friends with, there’s no coming back from that.
8. Getting an email from your boss on the weekend or at 5:01pm
If I answer it, will I get paid overtime? If not, will I get fired or like, “reprimanded?” What if I lie and say I lost my phone charger and also my internet router mysteriously exploded? No wait, that won’t work because then I won’t be able to post anything all weekend …ugh.