Okay, so… it’s time for us to talk about hats and the weird shit you guys have been doing with them at the beach. I’d like to start by saying that I totally get the hat thing. Your hair color is too expensive to expose it to the sun’s damaging rays for hours on end. Plus, hats are kind of fun to wear. I don’t know about you, but I always feel like a celeb hiding from paparazzi when I’m wearing one. (Except, LOL, I’d probably never shy away from a photo op.) But recently, a certain group of people who must not be named (social media influencers) have been totally ruining hats for the rest of us. It’s like you can’t even go to the beach or pool without a hat with dumb quote embroidered across it. These hats were ingeniously constructed by designers who want to trap young women into overpaying for a pile of straw in the hopes of breaking their personal Instagram likes record, but let me make one thing clear: Hats with cliché sayings are for girls who are too boring to come up with their own hilarious Instagram captions and have misattributed Marilyn Monroe quotes tattooed on their ribcages. Because I personally believe in each and every single one of you betches to come up with your own clever beach Insta (and not get tragic tattoos), I’ve compiled a list of hats that are socially acceptable to wear in public and/or on the internet.
1. Urban Outfitters Vanessa Straw Boater Hat
Those of us who feel legitimate physical discomfort when wearing a color other than black deeply understand that sometimes even a neutral-colored straw hat is just too much. To stay true to your all black everything mantra without going full-out beach goth, rock this black straw boater hat.
2. ASOS Oversized Straw Floppy Hat With Rose Gold Metallic Brim
This enormous floppy hat is a great way to tell people to get out of your face without actually having to make eye contact. Plus, it has a rose gold metallic brim, which is pretty
3. Merona Women’s Woven Baseball Hat
If classic beach hats aren’t your style, go for this woven baseball cap. Plus, it’s sold at Target, so you can also pick up 13 bottles of nail polish, gummy vitamins to fix a cuticle problem you didn’t know existed, and a new phone case while you’re at it.
4. Anthropologie Kelyn Canvas Visor
Visors can be pretty stupid most of the time, but if you absolutely must wear one, it should be this. The tie in the back will look like, sooo adorable with your flawless beach waves.
5. L.A. Hearts Washed Pink Dye Dad Hat
I can’t imagine why you would, but on the off chance you’d like to add a little color to your wardrobe, doing it with a hat is pretty easy. This dad cap is a perfect way to add a pop of pink to your beach look without seeming like you just got tarred and feathered in a Victoria’s Secret PINK store.
6. Topshop Straw Bandanna Fedora Hat
Fedoras are a slippery slope, but if you think you’re an interesting enough person to pull one off, then go for it. The bandana on this is very reminiscent of Audrina Patridge during her Justin Bobby phase, so just make sure you don’t get ditched by a homeboy in combat boots at the beach while you’re wearing it.
7. Express Pom Band Fedora
I actually can’t believe I found two fedoras that are socially acceptable to wear. I should totally like, write fashion articles for Betches, or something. Anyway, this hat is pretty cool, especially if you’re looking to pick sand out of a few stupid looking little pom poms after your beach trip.
8. Shop Betches Not A Morning Person Hat
Let everyone know that the only time you wake up early is on beach days with this Shop Betches hat. Remember how we talked shit about hats with dumb inspirational quotes? Well, this one’s different because it’s like, actually funny and not something you’d see taped up on a mood board. It’s faux suede so like, maybe don’t wear it in the water…not like you’d go swimming anyway.