Since weddings are our new favorite thing to bitch talk about, we decided that it is finally time to follow up our roasts of wedding themes, favors, and décor with some shade at the very time of day you choose to set the event. Weddings that go from 3pm till after it gets dark are the norm, but some people seem to think brunch weddings are cute and acceptable. And considering protest is the new brunch, we are officially protesting brunch weddings. Our country has truly never been more divided. So before you go flipping out, filling our inboxes with pics of cute, enjoyable brunch weddings you’ve been to, kindly take every seat. Here’s the thing—yes they can be totes cute, but they work better for certain demographics. Like, if you have a shit ton of older folks coming to your wedding, don’t wanna pay a premium for Saturday night rentals and booking your venue, AND for some reason are having a bunch of children at your wedding, then yeah—book a brunch wedding. For the rest of us 20- and 30-somethings, though, the excuse to party and black out—and therefore, attend—starts to fade once we see the words “brunch reception” on your invite …
1. It Isn’t “Socially Acceptable” To Black Out
Like I said, if I’m going to a country club for your reception at fucking noon, I really don’t think that, as a barely functioning responsible adult, I should get blackout. Like yeah, I’ve downed my share of mimosa pitchers, but doing it in broad daylight in front of your mild-mannered brunchy family feels a little wrong. And with that, I’m not going to want to drag everyone else out on the dance floor and be the life of the party causeee…..
2. No One Wants To Dance In Broad Daylight
It’s true. Having sunlight streaming into the Pisgah Dining Room with crystal settings is totally not the backdrop I want when I’m fist pumping to “Shots” or grinding with strangers to “Candy Shop”. Like a scary vampire, the sunlight erases my desire for blood attention-whoring on the dance floor. So, the good news is you could get a smooth jazz band, save money, and it wouldn’t make a difference. The bad news is nobody will get to see my dance moves. And yes, that is bad news.
3. Day Drinking Makes Us Tired
I can start drinking at 8 am—I’d put that shit on my resume. However, riiiight around noon, I start to hit a wall. Day drinking makes everyone exhausted, and if you and your bridesmaids are getting ready at say, 5am for a 10am wedding and noon reception, you’re going to start coming down HARD. Same with your guests, who I assume will be taking shots in the back of the church during the ceremony and will try to continue drinking through your brunch reception. Think of what you’re doing—they won’t even be able to go out after your reception they’ll be so tuckered out!
4. You Can’t Hook Up As Easily
Most of us need cover of darkness to sketchily hook up with wedding guests we’ll never see again. Adding in brunch and daylight makes the whole thing a lil too official and a lil too formal. Sorry, but I don’t want to get coffee with you after the reception and talk about what a great quiche they had. Speaking of which …
5. The Food Is Usually Meh
I love a good quiche, a nice muffin, a foamy latte—but trying to choke down breakfast carbs, sweets, and caffeine WITH all the alcohol I’m trying to imbibe just doesn’t work. Plus, from a service point of view, no one likes the look of room-temperature scrambled eggs sitting in a heating dish ready to be lumped out to your guests. Bacon is forever, but the rest of your food def isn’t.
6. Do I Eat Dinner Or Not?
My days revolve around my love/hate relationship with food, and if I have a giant brunch at 11am and continue picking at shit until 2pm, it leaves me in a weird situation. Am I going to be hungry enough for dinner later? Do I have to push that shit to 9pm and act Spanish for the evening? Your wedding literally fucked my whole eating schedule.
7. It’s Anticlimactic
With most basic bitch weddings these days (mine included), you have a sparkler sendoff to let everyone know that the official reception is over and the unofficial bar crawl where the bride’s dress becomes lovingly splattered with booze begins. Unfortunately for those having a brunch wedding, you kinda can’t do the sparkler thing and you definitely won’t be bar crawling. Like, what do I do now? Should I just go take a nap? Is it dinner time? No one really knows because your wedding was set for a weird time. Bitch.
